It's been a right tough old week. Richard is still poorly, hoping he would be home now but he's developed some fungus growing infection on his lungs. So he's on more drugs, more fluid drug drip and you name it.

I also went to visit my grandad in prison the other day. He went to prison for something he didn't even do. We have the most corrupted police in the country. It's disgusting at how they can get away with things. Shame out barrisor and solitors are too sacred to challenge them really! But we have so that's going to be good point or ward. I was really pleased to see him, going to visit some one in prison isn't exactly a normal thing to do. Not in the background that I has grown up in. It's always been a film// soap things and never something you actually think you would end up doing. It's a very interesting experience to Learn. The whole visiting and everything you har to do. Must say we did look really odd out. With our offending any one but we just looked to posh to be there. We're not at all. We're well brought up and the people there are the ones that come some rough back ground, for what ever reason that is. I don't like or dislike them. Everyone had there own life and its such a shame to see people who have been brought up to be in that bad situation and end up in prison.they could have such a goo life if they had the chance to of had that. It's just weird, you look around and wonder why. It was a bit sad to seems grandad in there. He just isn't the norm type to be in and yeah he is being well looked after. Just hope he comes home soon.

Had a poorly goose down the farm, tried so hard to save him. Even spent the past two nights in be with me. He wouldn't settle unless with me. Really bonded with him and sadly he does yesterday. Which was also the day I had to take a trip in the Ambulance with grandma. She hasn't been very well the past two weeks and they bought she has had a couple of mini stokes so they wanted her to be sent to the hospital to have a Ct scan. Tura out she had a bleed on the brain. We spent all night at the hospital with grandma. Didn't get home till gone midnight. They then called me at 12.30 to say she was going to Nottingham to have an operation. We heard to say that she has got a bloody clot on the the brain, it's pushing down which jas made her funny and speak funny. Good news ry because there going to operate today and then she will have a drainage on for a few days. There is a possibility she will make a full recovery but if not she will be much enter than she is ATM so that's really good. Let's jut hope the surgary goes really well. She's a tough old lady she really is.

Tiredness and strain. Cancer sucks.

I'm still really doomed that things wont  be back to normal anytime soon. I feel quite empty and spaced out. I can't help wondering if things will ever get better. I can't help to think what if we're still like this in 4 years time and things are still the same. What kind of quality of life is that giving me/us. I don't mean to sound selfish but when your poorly it's different because you simple can't do anything, where as me I can. The thing that worries me is that I'm going to be so attached to Richard's care life that I don't have my own life any more. I feel as though if he is still in the same boat in another 4 years, I wont be doing anything with my life. Would I of moved out? I'll be 31, and I'm so worried that I'm constantly missing out of things that i will regret not doing the things I've wanted too. I'm so worried about the future. I don't even have a good circle of close friends any more. In fact sometimes that's easier because they don't understand, and try to tell me it will be okay, but the truth is, No one knows he will be okay. And trying to make it all okay is the most annoying thing any one can do. People just have no idea how it's change my life and everything has changed. The longer it goes on the longer I just feel like we're just friends and I am a carer. There is hardly any bond between us any more. This cancer is draining our relationship so bad now, and again I went to visit Richard yesterday. He was too tired to talk to me but he happily sat up and chatted to nurses asking them questions. Every time I tried to encourage him to talk to me he just pulled faces so in the end I was that fed up and I went home. I'm not going to take my time out to visit him, where I have to drive an hour to get to him, queue in the massive long wait to queue in to the car park for him to annoy me like that. It's just not fair. I try not to let it bother me I really do, but it does. I get compliments off other people at how amazing I am for what I do and despite everything going on I am still smiling and yeah those people are right but with Richard it's just a totally black out world. I have my own problems going on, along side of him and he is never there to support me. I feel so lonely and am desperate to be in a loving relationship where I get all the support I should. He always seems to forget I have all the other drama going on and expects me to fully concentrate on him, but i really can't. He has become one the most selfish people I know. Even when my grandad had his accident I needed him at the other end of the line- what did he do, he went for dinner as his female friends house... It's just he never stops to think, yet always does what he wants yet when things go bad for him I have to ditch what I am doing. Its never fair and always one sided and it is making  me really miserable. I want to  be able to go out and have fun with out him digging at me or making me feel bad. I don't do anything to upset him or piss him off and yet he's moaned at me for dressing up for my sisters birthday. So typical. It's like because he emails  the nurses,  it almost makes him paranoid of what  I am  doing and picks a fight! It's so petty. I am so fed up of his selfishness. He never used to be this bad at all. He used do anything for me but now he's so grumpy and rude all the time I'm just so fed up and so sad all the while he never gives me a reason to be happy any more.

Is it coming to an end....

I feel as though the relationship has been ruined. I can't help to feel if we can ever get back to normal. I know Richard is sorry and he will try his hardest but thing is, after reading a number of his emails to his nurses seeing him poor his heart out and how they deserved a place in heaven one day, has just ruined everything between us. I have  never felt him speak his so meaningful or felt what I felt him say to the nurses in his emails. I never get that feeling, it's so hard to describe. Everything he says to me me now doesn't get my heart going. It never seems meaningful and that he is only doing it to make up for he has done. I don't feel there is a deep contract of love between is anymore. The more he lives in hospital the more he relies on the nurses, the more he talks to them on Facebook an the more he emails them is actually destroying our relationship. He is trying, and I know that but I jut can't get  over his  heart pouring emails, I've never ever in the four years we've been together has he ever been like that to me. He seems to have this habbit of pouring his heart out to everyone but me.  I've probably been through this with him the most out of anyone being his Gf. I remember this one night where he started getting Spasms. They got really bad and we went off to the hospital in the middle of the night, the ambulance drive over was quite blurry. I barely remember much of it but I remember he being drugged up on morphine. I was on one side of him whilst he mum and dad were on the other. He poured his heart out for hours and literary forgot I was there, I know he was drugged up on morphine  but whether he is or not it's always the same. I never feel like he's talking to me from his heart, I feel it's just from his head to stop me moaning about what he hasn't done but it doesn't make anything any better. Part of me wonders why were still together when he can't just do what he does with everyone else. Nothing means meaningful any more. I can't remember the last time he set my heart off. I'm just always in heart ache and ways in anger😡 . Wondering why he does what he does and why not with me, his gf, his future life. I don't even know what I'm trying I'm to say. Well I do but I can't seem to get it down. It's so hard. I just feel just because I'm his Gf I'm just expected to get on with it, because I am his Gf it's what I am supposed to do. It's times when he says he can't text me because he too poorly but finding he is okay to emails the nurses after they've been on their shift saying how great full he is, its heart breaking for me. I never get that heart pouring messages. Never. He goes out of his way for them but for me, he's always too poorly or things always come up and interrupt him. I feel like there is this massive gap between us.
He's been told today that things will be like they are for the near future. At the moment he is in bed all the time, can't do anything, can't work  and basically just resting. I can't help thinking, what if this is how our life is going to be from now on. The past 4 years have been hard, luckily we managed to go on holiday twice in one year and went to London / Bournemouth last year but life is pretty dull. I don't feel like we will ever get a normal life again. He's 29 and I'm 27, we've missed out on a hell of lot. I've not done half the things I have wanted to do and I've certainly not had the normal relationship life. Our whole relationship he  has been poorly.
I think, we never thought it would go this far or would he have so much an luck. I think we thought we'd back to normal before we knew but sadly that hasn't happened. It doesn't look like its  going that way any time soon either. I can't just walk away from him after so long, but part of me wants to follow my own foot steps and do what I really want to do. I'm so lost. I know Richard loves me but right now I just feel he's only doing and saying things to try Make things okay. Not because he really wants to but because he's got to try. After what he did was wrong. But I feel he would rather just be single and that he can do and email who ever he wants. I wouldn't normally care but neglecting me over the nurses is the worst feeling in the world. And I really can't forgive him for it. Not for all the stress, hard work he's put me though. He's been one mean bugger at times and he is really good at being very selfish and doing things to upset me. Really good at it. When he was in last time, he been down stairs for an scan. He was ages so I just sat and read my book. I was happy with that. But when he came back he wasn't at all the least pleased to see me! No smile nothing and then happily had a banter and laugh with the nurses. It was like that all day! He's so insensitive. Part of me thinks I should never stand by that and should not let him do it. And he shouldn't and he  will apologize Every time but nothing seems to get any better. He keeps promising but I can't helps to think he's has more feelings toward certain people than he admits. To me and him self....

Septic shock // poorly richy

Things seem to be a little bit easier today. Went to see Richard yesterday and was quite surprised to him a bit more upbeat than I thought. Saying that he did have a few sleeps whilst I was there, sleeping on my arm making it rather dead.

Richard basically suffered from a septic shock on Sunday morning. He was really poorly and was put in a ward ready to get him going again in case he gave up. Sounded so scary, I don't think I've ever had such a scare like this. It's so hard. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of our life, will heavier get better or is this how our life is going to be now?

Wake up call

This weekend has been a bit of an eye opener for me. Since Friday I have spent the weekend up in Scotland. I didn't go and see Richard before I went away as seeing him poorly before I'm due to go away makes It hard. It's hard going, having a boyfriend constantly in and out of hospital. It means having to put my life on hold all the tome to be there for him and It shouldn't have to be that way. People tell me to do my own thing but the thing is, itS not easy just walking away from a situation like this. But tbis weekend, That's Exactly what I did. I didn't go and see RichArd, for once I put my self first. Did what I needed to do and headed off to my weekend in Scotland. Does this make me selfish. No I don't think so, not considering the amount of events and things I have missed out because I have ran to his side to be there for him. I do it all the time and it just so happens to be he always seems to b poorly when I'm about to go away. Always, happened every single time. Everytime I go away he goes into hospital, I don't know why but it's so annoying. Anyway, I got the news that he was going home Saturday. Was a little surprised after having his liver biopsy and considering his situation and they way he was being treated on the oncology ward I am not at all surprised of what's happened now.
He went home on Saturday, but at 4am Sunday morning, I found a message when I woke up at about 9, to say he couldn't breath and wasn't well. That was all. I assumed that would mean he's off to hospital as always. So he had even been back home for a day and he was rushed back in. Well, that morning was a real eye opener for me. I heard nothing from him or his mum, so yeah that worried me because he always manages to up date me, never the less how poorly he is. I got a message from his mum to say don't worry he's in the best-place... What? I was mortified. Why hadn't I been told what's been going on. This is the problem, we may have been together for a long time and I may have been here from the beginning but because we still live at home we technically still have two separate lives. When things go wrong, it just happens that I'm not there so it's always him and his mum. No probes with that at all. But he expects me to be there all the time but then I don't even get told what's going on. I can never win. It's just the worse feeling in the world. And I have to except that whilst he is battling with cancer I won't come first. And that's how it is. What's the point on me putting my life on hold for him all the time when I'm just shoved out all the time. It's a situation people wont understand unless they are in it. If I was to walk away and do what I want for a change some people would probably say I am being selfish. The thing is, when RichArd is okay, and back to work. He does eveything that he wants, I will never stand in the way and will let him have fun. However, it is never the same in reverse. Every time I have some thing planned he falls poorly. I end up cancelling every thing to be at his side. I miss out on so much. At Christmas for example he got to do his Christmas party, he got to go out and have a good time.and yet I had to cancel mine because he was poorly and wanted to See me, I totally understand but he never does the same back to me. I lost my Grandpa and all he wanted was me to be there and yet he Did nothing to even try and be there For me. He never lets me go out and do things for a change. It's got the the point where people don't ask me to join them or to go out because I always bail for Richard. He never ever appriciate that and expects me to come to him because I am his girlfriend. I never get my own life any more. I don't even live with him an yet I'm treated like we're a married couple and always falling out.

It's hard. He always been a ladies man, yeah he chatty and friendly and I never had a problem with that because t the end of the day, I have my males friends and I like that. But, I will always stick to the golden rules and will never go to the boys over Richard. Richard always come first - except on cases of my girlies friends. I miss my friend. I miss my old life, I miss having fun and going out and just living life. Nothin has that feeling any more. I don't ever feel loved by Richard any more. Things have become so hard with us. I can't wen trust him anymore, he's let me down so many times and upsets so much I'm beginning to wonder of this relationship will last or whether it will work ....

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I have written on here, so I am really sorry to all my
Fellow readers. Things have been going up and down like a yo to at the moment and it seems to be one thing after another. Poor old RichArd has been in and out of hospital, has been really poorly and doesn't appear to be getting any better either. My grandma is having a tough old time with out grandpa and has been transferred from Leicester hospital to a care village in town. She's hates it with a  passion. My poor old granddad was sent to prison for something he hasn't even done. Now I'll only tell you once,just watch your back, no one is this world is any good. We Live in a very cruel world and unfortunately the society has become all about money and greed, rather than care and goodness. Shame really. You cant even trust your own solitor anymore. Think I would much rather of lived back in the old days where people appreciated what they had and everyone looked after one and another. It's very rare anything like that happens anymore.

Anyway, when Richard had his cell infusion a few months ago, he fell quiet poorly and didn't feel right. He ended up in hospital with chest infection, which made him poorly but he also ended up with liver and pancrease problems. Basically, they thought the radiotherapy had inflamed them up as the lymphoma is right near his liver. He was in hospital for good 2 weeks and took forever to find out what the problem was, I don't really think they got to the bottom of it either or really knew what it is. He was going to have no ends of things done, then things were changed, even a liver biopsy which they then felt wasn't necessary in the end. Which he ended up having today... Anyway, his liver started to improve so he was then allowed to go home. Not long after that he was admitted in again.

I must admit it's been very  sad. In a way I kinda thought it was going to be this way. Even when they told us he was nearly in remission it didn't feel so true. I just knew it wasn't the end, but it's not going I can go talking about. People will tell me to stop being negative or stop saying silly things but when you've been in this situation for so long, you kinda just know, you get the gut feeling. It's very hard to explain, I'm sure some people who have been in the same situation would probably understand what I mean. I see and hear about people going through one or a couple of treatments and get the all clear and it's so weird to think that it so easy to cure them but not others. Why? So many questions and do many answers they don't know. Why this person and not that one?

Richards Liver biopsy all went okay today, was horrible as there is a risk you can bleed to death in this situation. Scary things. He'd had to stay in as well, so could be another couple of weeks before he comes home knowing my luck. It's so hard having to work around a cancer boyfriend, it;s not easy. plans never go ahead, he's always poorly, things always change. It's really hard. A big miracle would be perfect right now.m