Day 35.

Richard came home yesterday. Turned out it wasn't anything too serious but he needed more tablets to sort it.

Tbc....

2 weeks today.

So, just when you think everything is going well, it actually goes bang and goes the other way. On Friday night I had this horrible dream that Richard was really poorly- i was convinced it was true, that when I woke up I was really confused.

Anyway, Saturday night I went to stay with Richard. He was apparently up most of the night on the toilet with a funny tummy, now my dream was coming true. I tried to get him to phone the hospital but he was convinced that he was okay- when he has his mind set on some thing, that's it. You can't do anything to change it, he's so stubborn, sometimes I want to give him a big kick up the back side.
So we managed some sausages for breakfast- which I have to say where amazing :) and he appeared to be okay for most of the day.

I left him at 3 with chilbo, and headed to work- he was okay for most of that too. Started to feel a little roughy later on but he felt okay so went to bed. That was left at that... Well, I didn't expect to be waking up to a night full of messages.
Poor boy, been on the loo all night and was feeling really poory. Rang the hospital, and waited for them to ring back. Sad news, they told him to go i, so he goes and wakes Alan up and they head over. He gets seen, had some blood tests ect, cant find anything wrong so sent him home. That was okay as he was due to g bak in for his check up appointment. I knew he's be kept in, and I was right. Check up appointment when he fianly made it, they kept him in and he's luckily been placed on the bone marrow unit. Looks like he will be there for at least 5 days and the most annoying bit is, that I won't be able to see him until he is home. I hate being skint and having no money. it's rubbish.
Oh well- not heard any news on Richard. Just he was on some drip ad waiting for results which I guess the doctors will do in the morning.

I shall update when I know :) I'm off to bed. I've got a very busy long week.

Night

Photo dairy.

Just some memories....

Day 22.

Richards seems to be doing really well so far, ESP since having his infusion on Tuesday. He's really tired at times but other than that he's pulling him self along nicely.

But we still have a long way to go yet and the thought of going to his next ct scan results is terrifying me. No matter how positive i am, I walrus have in the back of my mind- what if, what of it doesn't work and then what? I can they'll but think about it. It's so easy for people to say don't worry he will be okay- but really. No one knows, no one can say that because it's not true. Yeah he could be but with everything you that you go through you can't stand to hear that because like I said they don't know.
3 years has been a long time now. I can't even remember reall when we've really had the chance to have a normal relationship becAuse well, we've not. I've never really had the chance to really meet and hang out with Richards friends- half of them are getting married or have done and I don't know them. I feel like when we finally do- I won't know anyone that he does, I do a little bit but not enough, it's so Strange, I've almost forgotten what a normal life is. The past 3 years has been involved around hospital and doctors and so on. I guess that's my life now, and it always will be in a way. I think I'll struggle to finally come to terms with a normal life, as our relationship has entirely been based on his cancer- that's all I really know. I've know RichArd for years but never really hung out a great deal so, I don't know, I'm not sure if we'd be here today or if we'd still be together, or even got together if he hadn't had all this? My mind is terrible, it goes round and round like a yo yo- thinking of things that shouldn't even pop in to my head but unfortunately they do. Some people say I had a wild mind that I need to turn off sometimes.

A trip down memory lane. Skegness.

Spent the day at the sea side today. Went to Skegness, where Richard and I last went in 2009/10 before his treatment.

Day 27. A trip to the hospital.

A week today Richard was allowed home and today we have come back in- not as bad as it sounds though. We are only here for a phosphate infusion.
Just means we will be here all day- its 9.30 am and apparently can take up to 12 hours- eeeek what a long day sitting in hard Uncomfy chair. Think I'll have to go for a wonder or something. Maybe I could pop over to the Leicester tigers ground and spend my Christmas vouchers seeing at its only over the road. Would pop in to town and do some shopping, if only I worked full time and had some pennies. Never mind.

So, Richard had his check up yesterday. All went really well, said his white cell counts have jumped a bit but they didn't seem concerned to what Richard said so I am guessing that is okay. He was told he didn't need to go back now until next Monday, when you get to 30 days you only need to go in once a week which is great. So Richard was all happy and thought a whole week of not going in. To ect a phone call later on to say he's got to go back in for a infusion because his phosphates are too low. Oh bugger. I don't know what these are but Richard did some research and basically if you have no phosphates you can die. Sounds scary.

Richard is all connected to his drug now, they said they will keep it going until 5pm and for from there. That's not too bad, I'll have to have a sleep or something. :)

day 25. time just keeps flying by.

can't believe its been 10 days since i last wrote about Richard's last updates. It's been such a mad manic week, i can't believe how quickly the days have flown by...


I didn't get to see Richard over last weekend. I went to spend some time with my little sister over in Northampton, along with my friend Emma. Just needed something to do and a bit of time out space. People don't realize how tiring it is, having to be in my place. Had a relaxing time, and then my sister had a jewellery party on the Sunday- was nice to kind of feel normal for a bit again. But, not one minute goes by that i don't think about Richard or his situation.

Anyway, Richard mum and brother went to visit him on Sunday as it was Janet's birthday ( rich's mum), was hoping to get over too but i was late home and i felt so tired and sick, the minute i got home i went straight to bed. Unfortunately i didn't even get to see him on Monday either as i had to take my dad to his PET Scan at Glenfield, which went all okay. Were just awaiting for the results now, i hope for gods sake its all okay. I really cant cope with this again, not yet anyway.

Good news though, Richard texted me on Monday saying he would be coming home that week, possibly Tuesday or Wednesday depending on how he is doing and how his results are. He started getting pains with his  stomach acid, because they took him off his acid tablets. they did this to try and get his stomach to near as normal as possible. something to do with the medicine kills of his friendly bacteria that he needs, if this happens it makes things worse in the long run??? yeah i don't get any of it tbh. Poor Richard though, his acid is giving him so much grief he was struggling to eat.

On Tuesday  morning. he found out that his neutrophills were 5.4, anything above 5 means fab. This means his body should be makings everything work again properly :) The doctors were then going to put him on steroids and take him off is antibiotics... he's was finally starting to show some improvements again, it was such an up lifting moment :) he was happy, you could tell it, in his voice.

Richard is also at his Graft V Host as well, this is all good. However they can only let it happen so much. If it goes over board then its not good.

During all this time, we have both also been looking for engagement rings, its been sad because we cant go shopping together to choose one, means everything will have to be done different, but that's okay. I can cope with that, it might not be my ideal dream that we all have when we grow up, but i guess this makes it extra special in away.

Found out on Tuesday morning that Richard was allowed to go home  very unexpected, i couldn't believe it. Meant in me having to do a last major car hoover so i could actually bring him home for once and for the first time. Couldn't have been more happier. So anyway, i went over to see him at normal time, helped him pack the last bits and took what seemed like the longest trip back and fourth to the car with his stuff. Anyone would think he'd just got back from holiday, seeing it all loaded up in my car. I did it though and after a long day, he finally got his tablets at 6.30 and off home we went. :)

Wednesday i was finally going to see richard at home and finally get snuggles in bed again, even though i was pretty scared like. Today was Alan's Birthday (richy's little brother) and was a litte visit from the queen in satmford, Which my gran and i went to see. Oh, she was so beautiful, had a police man standing in front of me, more to the left so was able to get a good view of the queen heading my direction. Took a guess at taking a photo and took it a tiny bit too early, but, it was take a good photo and risk not seeing her looking, or just  take a quick piccy, and make sure i see her. Which now i am glad i did, because her face was so lit up with her smile, and even though it would had made the best photo, seeing her was more important. After all, not like you get to see her everyday hey. Shen was gone before i knew it, so quickly i had to question my self to whether i had actually seen her or not. Her big smiley face is still as clear in my memory.

some how i can't save the  zoom on the photo, but when you see it, you can see her very well :) 

Spent the night at Richard's on Wednesday night, was so so nice to have him back and snuggles in bed again. I can't believe he is home, i can't believe how quickly the last 4 weeks have gone. Seemed like yesterday when it all started happening, but then in some ways, it doesn't.

Richards been on the internet and found a lovely engagement ring that we both like the design on, we've been chatting about it and decided on either sapphire or Emerald.  i love both colours so that turns out really well. Richard found a lovely jewelleries on the internet and rang them about the ring. He had an appointment with the designer on the Thursday to discuss and design the ring to fit his budget, style and ect.  Turned out that emerald isn't a very good stone, now i should have remembered this from working in a jewellery shop for a year. emerald is a really brittle stone, and breaks easily. Not suitable for my way of life, which means i would constantly have to keep taking it off, well that's not worth it for an engagement ring that should be worn all the time. 

Richard had a check up on friday, all went okay, got to go back on Monday for the next check up.Apparently it will be a long while yet before we even know if this transplant has worked or not... we just have to hope that the 3 months scan doesn't show any worse than the last scan or it's going to be very upsetting, it will mean it's not worked. It's okay, if they still see a few bits showing up as there is still plenty if time for the new cells to fight it off. So, it will be more nearer the 6 months to when we will know more. More waiting around an more gambling. He's also got to be very sensible, and not mix with too many people and do as he's told and he should be okay. He's got to go back twice a week for the time being..... 

...... 

night night. time for bed. 

Happy.

Richard kindly popped a cheeky proposal on facebook last night!!!! ( 6/6/2012)


Clearly he was all drugged up and said when he woke up this morning he wasn't sure if he's done the right thing (LOL) good job i know him too well isnt it. but hes so over the moon, and so many people are happy for him it looks like were going to be having to do this and make it official....

day 15 - 7th June 2012

Poor Richard wasn't doing very well yesterday. I finally got round to visiting him at about 3.45, and he seemed to be okay. He was in a little discomfort with his sore ears, jaw, gum and teeth. He had a few paracemol in his water and some oramorphy pain relief stuff.
He found out that his white cells are coming up which is fabulous news, but they didn't know about his neutrophils, but they say when the white cells improve then so do they - which turned out we found out later on the evening that they were :) means he at less chance of catching infections, can still catch them but is at a safer level i spose.

Poor richard got worse and worse as the afternoon went on, the poor boy was in so much pain he couldn't stop crying. It's so sad to see him like that, but they seemed to take notice and tried to sort it out quickly. I left him with his mum at about 8.30 pm. Spent all afternoon just tickling him and calming him down, trying to get him to sleep which didn't work much due to the pain. :(

He was sent for an x ray when i'd gone home and they said they couldn't see anything, which was great but not to count on it, so we were having to wait to find out today what was happening. They couldn't see anything but found it very strange to why he was in a lot of pain - so who knows what is going on. Hopeing he would feel much better today, but he was still not too good. Being sick, then being put on anti sickness and then he been sleeping all day but hopefully it will do him some good tomorrow when i see him.


:)

Day 12.

Tuesday 4th June

I should be fast asleep by now, i am so so tired but i seem to have become wide awake that if i even tried to sleep it wouldn't happen for ages.

Have had a lovely weekend celebrating the Queens Diamond Jubiliee. It's been fantastic, watched bits at home and bits with richard in  hospital, and we even did our own jubilee picnic at home last night with gran and grandad, laura and eddy, and mum and dad. It;s been great. And to top up the Good news the doctor said to richard yesterday morning that he could come home at the end of week - which would have been fabulous  but unfortuntaly last night he picked up an upset tummy and has been a poorly boy today and tonight.

He was all upset and very emotional tonight. I can't imagine, or begin to even try how he must be feeling. I only understand how i feel as does he. No one on the outside understands or can even try too, its a very hard and at most of the time a very lonely thing to go through. Were going through it together, and i spose we can kind of see how we both feel but we literally keep each other going. people on the outside try but sometimes i feel like saying please don't bother, not to be mean cruel or horrible its just because i know they try to help but deep down it really doesn't. People just don't know.

Richard was having a little chat with me tonight, we've agreed that if anything happens to him and if he doesn't make it that i have control over his sperm bank. it's so weird to even think about it, but knowing i've got that part of him that could potential carry him on to a new person would be fabulous to feel i could still have his child and part most of all have part of him. We always talk about marriage and that, but he says now he wants to more than ever. whether he gets better or not, we are going to get married... well, i think you might want to propose first sunshine :P


good night x

day 11. updates

day 7 - Wednesday 30th May 2012


Went to visit Richard, He was doing really well today. Wearing some of those weird socks for bed which make him look really funny :) Didn't sleep much last night. A bit worried about everything that is going to happen and vise versa. Had a chat with richard today. 

Richard spying on me out of the hospital window - only bonus if being stuck in the que is the fact that i can look up and spy on richard he he he :P

makes the waiting time so much more exciting.

getting this picture from richard has made me smile tonight !!

Day 9 - Friday 1st June 

Back to see Richard to day, again hes doing really well its fabulous :)

What a day, so richard was doing really well and we were having a good day watching gossip girl which was fun. Ended up having one of our little arguments again about everything... god know how we ended up on that but luckily, richard has learnt to give up and be nice rather than wind me up and keep annoying and upsetting me!! i can't be more pleased, means less arguing and more happy times :). 

richard having a top up in ....

Day 11 -

Richard is doing really well. His nurse Charlie said,  it's because he's been drinking everyday, eaten, and done something every day. Some patients just go in and all they do is sleep. There was a girl who did the same as richard, and she was out with 14 days after her transplant and is now doing really well. So, it's all good news really. 

Been and spent the afternoon, evening with richard today. He's shaved all of his hair off today as it was all falling out. He has a couple of little red marks on his head which he is on antibiotics for. Richard got some good news todays, his counts have started to come back up, where they will stop for bit and the start again. It takes a total of 3 months for the new cells to take over his body. If the cells rush up too quickly then it means his own system is now allowing the transplant to work which is what we don't want to happen. So just fingers crossed. He's still at low levels, so he's at high risk if catching any infections ect. 

Spent the day watching The Queens Jubilee celebrations on tv. Watching the boats and then the horse display tonight. Poor Richard was all tired and worn out tonight. He got all upset when Joss stones sang 'aint no mountain high enough' we last saw this song being sang at his dads funeral and even i got all sad too. Think a few tears did him good. I know how much he really misses his dad, and i so wish i could make it all go away for him. Poor boy.

Bank Holiday Mondat tomorrow so off to work i go, back to see richard on tuesday at some point :)

night x