cancer.

I hate cancer so much. It doesn't just change the little things in life, it changes everything and I mean everything. Even you friends forget about you, your life changes over night, nothing is the same, normality goes out of the window. People think it is so easy to just say, "its going to be okay, he will be okay" but the truth is, no one can say that. No one sees what goes on and happens every day, no one sees anything. People think its so easy to go through all of this, and believe me its not.

its tiring, its so stressful, we argue all the time, its so tense, we get cranky, we snap, we fall out, we make, up, its a constant yo yo. Life doesn't get to be fun any more. Cancer takes over everything, your mind, your thought, your daily routine. People think its so easy to say "don't let cancer do that to you", but you have no control and even when you want to, it's impossible and it doesn't work.

Sometimes I just want to get up and leave, get back to my normal life, have a social life again, be a young adult, do what i'm missing out on, but at the same time i can't because Richard needs me. Its so easy for people to turn around and call em selfish, but unless your in my boat, you can't say a thing. No one has the slightest idea. We don't even get to have a normal relationship, its so complicated than people realise, nothing can be a normal relationship. its so hard, all the hospital trips, appointments, sudden illnesses, its just so unfair.

he's home :)

Yayyy he's home 


I am a very happy lou lou tonight, Didnt hear much from richard yesterday as he was being kept company by a friend who we met in hospital before, he had cancer and also had the same stem cell transplant as richard. He was lucky and didn't need any more treatment after that, saying that he did how ever have a few other problem, not sure what they were but he seems to be doing really well now... i think. Anyway then his mum was there, and i was working all day and then went to see my sister last night after work. He seemed better last night, but when texting you cant see or hear so really i wouldn't have known.

But today after the doctors meeting, patiently waiting for him to let me know what was going on, i got that phone call and thought... oh my, its bad news. Well that wasn't it at all. the doctor said he was happy to let richy go home. His blood counts had been very high, so it was clear that there was a bad infection some where but he's now home. Being told to take it steady for the next few days and hope he rest... being the stubborn boy that he is... i hope for his sake he will actually do as he is told for one... I get to see him tomorrow.
:) that makes me happy, but first a day of work to get through.

Richard.

poorly richard

So as I thought everything was going really well suddenly went so the opposite.

Poor Richard wasn't very well on Monday, just thought it was something little. Had a early night sleep, which didn't go very well as he was up most of the night going to the toilet and having very bad cramp. we woke up really early on tuesday morning, i was wide a wake at 7am, which is very un usal for me. I am not an early bird, but i could see poor Richard hasn't slept brilliant and that he was suffering with cramp and had a poorly tummy, not only that but his breathing started to sound funny. I said he should phone the hospital but he wanted to see how felt and if he felt okay later on.

we watched an episode of 24 and he seemed ok for that, then we went on to the next one, started watching that and he was just really distracted. he kept falling alseep but waking up suddenly and not able to breathe, saying that his lung felt as though it was closing up... By now his breathing was getting worse and it wasn't looking good. he had a few moments where he picked up but then he went really down hill. His temperature was up and down, like a yo yo.

In the end he rang the hospital, called for an ambulance. Packed his bag and it wasn't long until the paramedic turned up. He wasnt happy with richard's lungs so when the ambulance men came he told them to get him to hospital asap.
Whilst been examined, his blood pressure was low, normally its high, and his oxygen was also low. Improved on a bit of oxygen... before i knew it he was in the chair and put in the ambulance and off he went :(

i have never cried so much ( well i have but not at Richard), packing his bag and seeing him go off in the ambulance was heartbreaking- just standing at the door trying to not cry my eyes out, even though i did.
I drove home and cried and cried, i just wish i had climbed in to the ambulance but i just felt having me and him mum there would have been to much in the state he was in. Makes it a pain when the nurses come in and out and so on...

Richard had very low blood sugar levels, low glucose, was put on the highest oxygen level, put on fluid and had an x ray, and a CT scan this morning. I went to visit him today and doesnt seem much has changed, well its on and off, his oxygen was on 4 and the highest is 10 so even though 4 is high its not as bad as 10. He was tired but seemed perkier, had a giggle and saw another family of a young lad who was diagnosed when he was last in hospital.

Poor richy all hooked up on fluid, drugs and oxygen...

transplant Date.

i have been abosloutly rubbish at using this recently. Things have been going really well so I've not had much to write about.

However we have a date for Richard's Transplant which is due on the 14th April 2012. This will only go ahead if everything between now and then goes to plan which i should think it will do. So providing his lungs get better, which we still don't know what this is... he had a breathing test but because he didn't have one before everything, they don't actually have any thing else to look at or compare too.. so am only hoping that on his next breathing test it will have improved.

Richard has an appointment on Wednesday so we will see how that goes and what the next lot of plans are... very nervous but sooner the better i guess :)