So, this week didn't start off very well at all. Richard was meant to have his treatment on Monday but was instead sent in at 6am Monday Morning unwell. Its been a horrible long week. I've not seen him since new years and time is just dragging on horribly. I was Poorly so didn't want to see him, then he was poorly too so we stayed apart to be on the safe side and then my car decided to break so i have been car less and haven't been able to visit Richard.
Richard was originally suspected with swine flu, the normal flu and shingles. He has had test for TB which is going to take over another week to get those results before they can even think of letting him home. Anyway, all flu results came back negative, which is good but they still don't know what's wrong with him. Basically he has got poorly lungs, which could have been the infection he had last time, it could be the cancer but he had a CT scan and that showed that his lymphoma was shrinking and the treatment is working, so it wouldn't make sense if another one was growing whilst others are shrinking... but you never know, it could be a rare phuemonia, or his treatment. He's on no ends of tablets and oxygen, even on the nesbuliser, having physio on his chest to buge the gunge out of his lungs. Its been a very mad week, and they even had ITU on hold in case his oxygen levels dropped again. This week has been hell, for the whole time I have been with him, he has been so lucky and when he has been poorly its be caught, treated quickly and sent home again. This time is the oppersite. I am hating it so much, he's grumpy, miserable, grouchy, he's getting no sleep, his vein burst and now he has no good veins left, its never ending. Now I'm getting grouchy and fed up because he's not him self when he is in there, and sometimes I just have to pretend I am in a different life situation just so I can just switch off for a minute. I am so fed up, and the worse bit is this is never going to end. He will always have this problem, life wont ever be normal for him again... not really. All I want is a normal life and be happy but when thes things happen i remember just how difficult is it and how simple it wont ever be. Because he missed his treatment on monday that is now held back which means the transplant is now held back too. It just keeps going on and on and on and by the end it all end i feel as though were going to be too old to do all the things we are currently missing out on. I just feel so damn miserable i really do. my friends and sisters are so far away, no body understands in the slightest and I just want to wake up from a dream. I just more than anything want a normal life, i want the normal Richard back. I don't even want to go and see him just because he never shows any appreciation when i get there, he spends his whole time talking about his favourite nurses yet iI wouldn't have seen him and then i go home feeling like shit because he doesn't at all show that he's happy to see me any more like he used to. never talks much and yet when a nurse comes round hes straight to a conversation giving them banter you name it, and i'm just sat there invisible. I am beginning to have doubt in weather i can stay with him and go though the transplant all over again and for worse. I am not being selfish, but people think it is so easy to do it and just be there. But it's not like that at all, it so much effort and patient with them that you just can't do it all the time. They need all the love and support, and they get it but who do i get it from. no one. I don't want all the attention, I just need a little bit of love and support back from Richard but i rarely get it. I can't even think of any happy moments together because it just seems there are more bad ones than good ones, and they out do and of the fun ones. He will do things that i don't like, he will carry on doing things and he winds me up. He just doesnt make any effort to have any fun with me. When we went on holiday To spain, he was grumpy all week. I spent all week trying to cheer him up which barely worked, he was horrible to me the minute we got to the food bit on the beach and upset me, he was just plain horrible and i actually don't have any happy moments from that just because of the horrible things he did just completely blocked out any fun time. The only time he would cheer up was when he was perving the beach, yeah i know its only fun but when you spend all your time trying to cheer him up and he doesn't. yet he did when you saw boobs and bums just wound me up. I find him unbelievably selfish at times, he does not stop to think and he just always does things to upset me and hurt me. He take jokes far too seriously and drags them on too long, and doesn't know when to stop. I love him very much, i do. And we have some great times together when we do, but its just not enough. Like I sent him some nice texts yesterday but i don't get any appreciation back and then he wonders why I am so grumpy on the phone because he expects me to be all lovey duvey but I don't get any at all. not even a thank you nothing. And i get moaned at for not being nice, well i cant be all loving if he isnt. its all ways take take and never give any emotions back. God i am having such a moan, i really don't mean it in a bad way at all but we all need a bit of love and care. we all do!! :( it doesn't feel like love any more it feels like repulsion. :(
Richard was originally suspected with swine flu, the normal flu and shingles. He has had test for TB which is going to take over another week to get those results before they can even think of letting him home. Anyway, all flu results came back negative, which is good but they still don't know what's wrong with him. Basically he has got poorly lungs, which could have been the infection he had last time, it could be the cancer but he had a CT scan and that showed that his lymphoma was shrinking and the treatment is working, so it wouldn't make sense if another one was growing whilst others are shrinking... but you never know, it could be a rare phuemonia, or his treatment. He's on no ends of tablets and oxygen, even on the nesbuliser, having physio on his chest to buge the gunge out of his lungs. Its been a very mad week, and they even had ITU on hold in case his oxygen levels dropped again. This week has been hell, for the whole time I have been with him, he has been so lucky and when he has been poorly its be caught, treated quickly and sent home again. This time is the oppersite. I am hating it so much, he's grumpy, miserable, grouchy, he's getting no sleep, his vein burst and now he has no good veins left, its never ending. Now I'm getting grouchy and fed up because he's not him self when he is in there, and sometimes I just have to pretend I am in a different life situation just so I can just switch off for a minute. I am so fed up, and the worse bit is this is never going to end. He will always have this problem, life wont ever be normal for him again... not really. All I want is a normal life and be happy but when thes things happen i remember just how difficult is it and how simple it wont ever be. Because he missed his treatment on monday that is now held back which means the transplant is now held back too. It just keeps going on and on and on and by the end it all end i feel as though were going to be too old to do all the things we are currently missing out on. I just feel so damn miserable i really do. my friends and sisters are so far away, no body understands in the slightest and I just want to wake up from a dream. I just more than anything want a normal life, i want the normal Richard back. I don't even want to go and see him just because he never shows any appreciation when i get there, he spends his whole time talking about his favourite nurses yet iI wouldn't have seen him and then i go home feeling like shit because he doesn't at all show that he's happy to see me any more like he used to. never talks much and yet when a nurse comes round hes straight to a conversation giving them banter you name it, and i'm just sat there invisible. I am beginning to have doubt in weather i can stay with him and go though the transplant all over again and for worse. I am not being selfish, but people think it is so easy to do it and just be there. But it's not like that at all, it so much effort and patient with them that you just can't do it all the time. They need all the love and support, and they get it but who do i get it from. no one. I don't want all the attention, I just need a little bit of love and support back from Richard but i rarely get it. I can't even think of any happy moments together because it just seems there are more bad ones than good ones, and they out do and of the fun ones. He will do things that i don't like, he will carry on doing things and he winds me up. He just doesnt make any effort to have any fun with me. When we went on holiday To spain, he was grumpy all week. I spent all week trying to cheer him up which barely worked, he was horrible to me the minute we got to the food bit on the beach and upset me, he was just plain horrible and i actually don't have any happy moments from that just because of the horrible things he did just completely blocked out any fun time. The only time he would cheer up was when he was perving the beach, yeah i know its only fun but when you spend all your time trying to cheer him up and he doesn't. yet he did when you saw boobs and bums just wound me up. I find him unbelievably selfish at times, he does not stop to think and he just always does things to upset me and hurt me. He take jokes far too seriously and drags them on too long, and doesn't know when to stop. I love him very much, i do. And we have some great times together when we do, but its just not enough. Like I sent him some nice texts yesterday but i don't get any appreciation back and then he wonders why I am so grumpy on the phone because he expects me to be all lovey duvey but I don't get any at all. not even a thank you nothing. And i get moaned at for not being nice, well i cant be all loving if he isnt. its all ways take take and never give any emotions back. God i am having such a moan, i really don't mean it in a bad way at all but we all need a bit of love and care. we all do!! :( it doesn't feel like love any more it feels like repulsion. :(
