Dreaded phone call.

I currently now have a new we page up for Richard - its more of a day to say with what's going on. If you want to have a look then just pop over to -

www.broccolipops.com 

It's been a very tough week. He started to get unwell this time last week. However he picked up and then was up and down each night. Was starting to do really well in some points so hopes were really kicking in. Short lived. He was transferred to ITU on Tuesday with short of breath. Once they had settled him down he was much happier and seemed okay. Was doing better yesterday but went down hill over night. I got the dreaded phone call at 5.09 this morning. Richard wanted us back in with him. He couldn't relax and his heart rate has shot up and the nurse was a little concerned for him. He's currently having

A chest x ray whilst I write this. It's really scary. The doctors don't even know what's going on. Whether its the fluid or the infection. It's not good, I'm just partying so hard that somethings works for him. I need him to get better :( waiting for the doctors to come back is just waiting to be told bad news. :( 

A ride in the ambulance.

Lovely love.

There used to be a day, when I knew the whole world about Richard. There was a day when he always wanted me there and no body else, there was a day where he told me everything and anything. Those days seem to be long lost. The longer he's poorly, the worse temper he gets, and the further we grow apart. I thought the engagement would bring this all back an make us happy. But it it's made me feel far from that. I don't even know who he is anymore. I know it's hard for him, but it's so hard trying to be there for him, keep him going when I'm always being shut out and pushed a side. I Mis the boy I fell in love with... 

Question is- will that boy ever come back.... 

It's a broccoli.

Richard has been in hospital for a long 12 weeks now, what seems like the longest time ever too. My mum brought him a toy broccoli, in hoping it would cheer him up. It;s done just the job and kept us amused for the rest of the day <3  He also had another Blood Transfusion today as well, hoping he will feel a bit more perkier tomorrow morning. 

          

Intensive care // septic shock

This week has probably been the most hardest week of my life. It's effected me so badly, and yet for the first time I feel as though I actually can not cope with this much longer.
I never thought that he would ever end up in this situation. It was scary, not as scary as web he thought he was duin a few weeks ago and then proposed to me ( I'll add update on that soon) but two very different scary moments I can't compare and found them both horrible. He's been in hospital for 10 weeks next week, which has been the longest trip he's ever had in the past 4 years. It egging harder and harder as time time goes on and the longer he is on there. I don't remember any time we've had together. I don't feel close to him or feel we're in a relationship. I feel a though we have become very close lovely friends rather than that relationship. Just because he's in hospital and been cares for by the nurses more than I see him- it's making things hard. It shouldn't st all but with him being in intensive care and having to have personal care has really bothered me too. I feel as thought the whole world has seen him naked and nothing underneath him is all mine anymore. It sounds so utterly stupid. I shouldn't at all feel this way but i suppose it just because we've had no time together for so long I feel pushed away and that I'm not his love anymore? I don't understand how I've become to feel this way. At the end of the day the nurses are doing there job and looking after him so why should it bother me? I just don't know whyz

Terrified.

My Richard is really poorly with his lung. I am terrified. He says something isn't right inside him. He's so worried and so scared. Its not good. He's must be bad. No matter what he will always keep positive but he's failing todo that at moment. Please make him better please.

it's my Birthday tomorrow, spending it with out Richard.... Again.

It's my Birthday tomorrow, and yet once again I am spending it a lone with out him :( this is the 3rd birthday of the 4 years we have been together that he has missed. The very first birthday was very hazy, Poor Richard got bad news about his Dad the week before. Where he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, i remember the text he sent me like it was yesterday. Absolutely heartbreaking, wishing it was all wrong and that they had a made a mistake. I didn't spend an awful lot of time with him, which makes me sad. But he taught me to believe in my self and to go out there and do it. Have Faith and Do it. He was very wise and in a way gave me some confident to do stuff i wouldn't have done. I remember going to the game fair one year, where we went to do some shooting. I was like, no i can't do that and would never do so, but he was like no have a go do it, and it was just so good being pushed to do things and come out of this bubble that i've always been trapped behind. I can see that Richard really misses him, and so do I to be honest. He became a bit of a father role i never had and i do miss his funny comments to this very day.

So,  Last year Richard was in hospital having his stem Cell transplant, and this year is is currently fighting the graft versus host diseases, He's been back in hospital for 5 weeks now. This is becoming his longest stay with in the 4 years of battling his lymphoma. I'm so sad I am missing another birthday with out him again, I just hope that he recovers and we've got plenty of years to make up for everything that we keep missing out on.

Things are so hard for him, he's really struggling and tonight he told me, that if it wasn't for me he wouldn't be  would have given up by now, for some one like him who is so up beat and gets on with it, this is such a sad thing to hear. he;s just getting to the stage where he is so fed up, so grumpy, angry and tired that I can't a;ways cheer him up all the time. :( 

It's been a right tough old week. Richard is still poorly, hoping he would be home now but he's developed some fungus growing infection on his lungs. So he's on more drugs, more fluid drug drip and you name it.

I also went to visit my grandad in prison the other day. He went to prison for something he didn't even do. We have the most corrupted police in the country. It's disgusting at how they can get away with things. Shame out barrisor and solitors are too sacred to challenge them really! But we have so that's going to be good point or ward. I was really pleased to see him, going to visit some one in prison isn't exactly a normal thing to do. Not in the background that I has grown up in. It's always been a film// soap things and never something you actually think you would end up doing. It's a very interesting experience to Learn. The whole visiting and everything you har to do. Must say we did look really odd out. With our offending any one but we just looked to posh to be there. We're not at all. We're well brought up and the people there are the ones that come some rough back ground, for what ever reason that is. I don't like or dislike them. Everyone had there own life and its such a shame to see people who have been brought up to be in that bad situation and end up in prison.they could have such a goo life if they had the chance to of had that. It's just weird, you look around and wonder why. It was a bit sad to seems grandad in there. He just isn't the norm type to be in and yeah he is being well looked after. Just hope he comes home soon.

Had a poorly goose down the farm, tried so hard to save him. Even spent the past two nights in be with me. He wouldn't settle unless with me. Really bonded with him and sadly he does yesterday. Which was also the day I had to take a trip in the Ambulance with grandma. She hasn't been very well the past two weeks and they bought she has had a couple of mini stokes so they wanted her to be sent to the hospital to have a Ct scan. Tura out she had a bleed on the brain. We spent all night at the hospital with grandma. Didn't get home till gone midnight. They then called me at 12.30 to say she was going to Nottingham to have an operation. We heard to say that she has got a bloody clot on the the brain, it's pushing down which jas made her funny and speak funny. Good news ry because there going to operate today and then she will have a drainage on for a few days. There is a possibility she will make a full recovery but if not she will be much enter than she is ATM so that's really good. Let's jut hope the surgary goes really well. She's a tough old lady she really is.

Tiredness and strain. Cancer sucks.

I'm still really doomed that things wont  be back to normal anytime soon. I feel quite empty and spaced out. I can't help wondering if things will ever get better. I can't help to think what if we're still like this in 4 years time and things are still the same. What kind of quality of life is that giving me/us. I don't mean to sound selfish but when your poorly it's different because you simple can't do anything, where as me I can. The thing that worries me is that I'm going to be so attached to Richard's care life that I don't have my own life any more. I feel as though if he is still in the same boat in another 4 years, I wont be doing anything with my life. Would I of moved out? I'll be 31, and I'm so worried that I'm constantly missing out of things that i will regret not doing the things I've wanted too. I'm so worried about the future. I don't even have a good circle of close friends any more. In fact sometimes that's easier because they don't understand, and try to tell me it will be okay, but the truth is, No one knows he will be okay. And trying to make it all okay is the most annoying thing any one can do. People just have no idea how it's change my life and everything has changed. The longer it goes on the longer I just feel like we're just friends and I am a carer. There is hardly any bond between us any more. This cancer is draining our relationship so bad now, and again I went to visit Richard yesterday. He was too tired to talk to me but he happily sat up and chatted to nurses asking them questions. Every time I tried to encourage him to talk to me he just pulled faces so in the end I was that fed up and I went home. I'm not going to take my time out to visit him, where I have to drive an hour to get to him, queue in the massive long wait to queue in to the car park for him to annoy me like that. It's just not fair. I try not to let it bother me I really do, but it does. I get compliments off other people at how amazing I am for what I do and despite everything going on I am still smiling and yeah those people are right but with Richard it's just a totally black out world. I have my own problems going on, along side of him and he is never there to support me. I feel so lonely and am desperate to be in a loving relationship where I get all the support I should. He always seems to forget I have all the other drama going on and expects me to fully concentrate on him, but i really can't. He has become one the most selfish people I know. Even when my grandad had his accident I needed him at the other end of the line- what did he do, he went for dinner as his female friends house... It's just he never stops to think, yet always does what he wants yet when things go bad for him I have to ditch what I am doing. Its never fair and always one sided and it is making  me really miserable. I want to  be able to go out and have fun with out him digging at me or making me feel bad. I don't do anything to upset him or piss him off and yet he's moaned at me for dressing up for my sisters birthday. So typical. It's like because he emails  the nurses,  it almost makes him paranoid of what  I am  doing and picks a fight! It's so petty. I am so fed up of his selfishness. He never used to be this bad at all. He used do anything for me but now he's so grumpy and rude all the time I'm just so fed up and so sad all the while he never gives me a reason to be happy any more.

Is it coming to an end....

I feel as though the relationship has been ruined. I can't help to feel if we can ever get back to normal. I know Richard is sorry and he will try his hardest but thing is, after reading a number of his emails to his nurses seeing him poor his heart out and how they deserved a place in heaven one day, has just ruined everything between us. I have  never felt him speak his so meaningful or felt what I felt him say to the nurses in his emails. I never get that feeling, it's so hard to describe. Everything he says to me me now doesn't get my heart going. It never seems meaningful and that he is only doing it to make up for he has done. I don't feel there is a deep contract of love between is anymore. The more he lives in hospital the more he relies on the nurses, the more he talks to them on Facebook an the more he emails them is actually destroying our relationship. He is trying, and I know that but I jut can't get  over his  heart pouring emails, I've never ever in the four years we've been together has he ever been like that to me. He seems to have this habbit of pouring his heart out to everyone but me.  I've probably been through this with him the most out of anyone being his Gf. I remember this one night where he started getting Spasms. They got really bad and we went off to the hospital in the middle of the night, the ambulance drive over was quite blurry. I barely remember much of it but I remember he being drugged up on morphine. I was on one side of him whilst he mum and dad were on the other. He poured his heart out for hours and literary forgot I was there, I know he was drugged up on morphine  but whether he is or not it's always the same. I never feel like he's talking to me from his heart, I feel it's just from his head to stop me moaning about what he hasn't done but it doesn't make anything any better. Part of me wonders why were still together when he can't just do what he does with everyone else. Nothing means meaningful any more. I can't remember the last time he set my heart off. I'm just always in heart ache and ways in anger😡 . Wondering why he does what he does and why not with me, his gf, his future life. I don't even know what I'm trying I'm to say. Well I do but I can't seem to get it down. It's so hard. I just feel just because I'm his Gf I'm just expected to get on with it, because I am his Gf it's what I am supposed to do. It's times when he says he can't text me because he too poorly but finding he is okay to emails the nurses after they've been on their shift saying how great full he is, its heart breaking for me. I never get that heart pouring messages. Never. He goes out of his way for them but for me, he's always too poorly or things always come up and interrupt him. I feel like there is this massive gap between us.
He's been told today that things will be like they are for the near future. At the moment he is in bed all the time, can't do anything, can't work  and basically just resting. I can't help thinking, what if this is how our life is going to be from now on. The past 4 years have been hard, luckily we managed to go on holiday twice in one year and went to London / Bournemouth last year but life is pretty dull. I don't feel like we will ever get a normal life again. He's 29 and I'm 27, we've missed out on a hell of lot. I've not done half the things I have wanted to do and I've certainly not had the normal relationship life. Our whole relationship he  has been poorly.
I think, we never thought it would go this far or would he have so much an luck. I think we thought we'd back to normal before we knew but sadly that hasn't happened. It doesn't look like its  going that way any time soon either. I can't just walk away from him after so long, but part of me wants to follow my own foot steps and do what I really want to do. I'm so lost. I know Richard loves me but right now I just feel he's only doing and saying things to try Make things okay. Not because he really wants to but because he's got to try. After what he did was wrong. But I feel he would rather just be single and that he can do and email who ever he wants. I wouldn't normally care but neglecting me over the nurses is the worst feeling in the world. And I really can't forgive him for it. Not for all the stress, hard work he's put me though. He's been one mean bugger at times and he is really good at being very selfish and doing things to upset me. Really good at it. When he was in last time, he been down stairs for an scan. He was ages so I just sat and read my book. I was happy with that. But when he came back he wasn't at all the least pleased to see me! No smile nothing and then happily had a banter and laugh with the nurses. It was like that all day! He's so insensitive. Part of me thinks I should never stand by that and should not let him do it. And he shouldn't and he  will apologize Every time but nothing seems to get any better. He keeps promising but I can't helps to think he's has more feelings toward certain people than he admits. To me and him self....

Septic shock // poorly richy

Things seem to be a little bit easier today. Went to see Richard yesterday and was quite surprised to him a bit more upbeat than I thought. Saying that he did have a few sleeps whilst I was there, sleeping on my arm making it rather dead.

Richard basically suffered from a septic shock on Sunday morning. He was really poorly and was put in a ward ready to get him going again in case he gave up. Sounded so scary, I don't think I've ever had such a scare like this. It's so hard. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of our life, will heavier get better or is this how our life is going to be now?

Wake up call

This weekend has been a bit of an eye opener for me. Since Friday I have spent the weekend up in Scotland. I didn't go and see Richard before I went away as seeing him poorly before I'm due to go away makes It hard. It's hard going, having a boyfriend constantly in and out of hospital. It means having to put my life on hold all the tome to be there for him and It shouldn't have to be that way. People tell me to do my own thing but the thing is, itS not easy just walking away from a situation like this. But tbis weekend, That's Exactly what I did. I didn't go and see RichArd, for once I put my self first. Did what I needed to do and headed off to my weekend in Scotland. Does this make me selfish. No I don't think so, not considering the amount of events and things I have missed out because I have ran to his side to be there for him. I do it all the time and it just so happens to be he always seems to b poorly when I'm about to go away. Always, happened every single time. Everytime I go away he goes into hospital, I don't know why but it's so annoying. Anyway, I got the news that he was going home Saturday. Was a little surprised after having his liver biopsy and considering his situation and they way he was being treated on the oncology ward I am not at all surprised of what's happened now.
He went home on Saturday, but at 4am Sunday morning, I found a message when I woke up at about 9, to say he couldn't breath and wasn't well. That was all. I assumed that would mean he's off to hospital as always. So he had even been back home for a day and he was rushed back in. Well, that morning was a real eye opener for me. I heard nothing from him or his mum, so yeah that worried me because he always manages to up date me, never the less how poorly he is. I got a message from his mum to say don't worry he's in the best-place... What? I was mortified. Why hadn't I been told what's been going on. This is the problem, we may have been together for a long time and I may have been here from the beginning but because we still live at home we technically still have two separate lives. When things go wrong, it just happens that I'm not there so it's always him and his mum. No probes with that at all. But he expects me to be there all the time but then I don't even get told what's going on. I can never win. It's just the worse feeling in the world. And I have to except that whilst he is battling with cancer I won't come first. And that's how it is. What's the point on me putting my life on hold for him all the time when I'm just shoved out all the time. It's a situation people wont understand unless they are in it. If I was to walk away and do what I want for a change some people would probably say I am being selfish. The thing is, when RichArd is okay, and back to work. He does eveything that he wants, I will never stand in the way and will let him have fun. However, it is never the same in reverse. Every time I have some thing planned he falls poorly. I end up cancelling every thing to be at his side. I miss out on so much. At Christmas for example he got to do his Christmas party, he got to go out and have a good time.and yet I had to cancel mine because he was poorly and wanted to See me, I totally understand but he never does the same back to me. I lost my Grandpa and all he wanted was me to be there and yet he Did nothing to even try and be there For me. He never lets me go out and do things for a change. It's got the the point where people don't ask me to join them or to go out because I always bail for Richard. He never ever appriciate that and expects me to come to him because I am his girlfriend. I never get my own life any more. I don't even live with him an yet I'm treated like we're a married couple and always falling out.

It's hard. He always been a ladies man, yeah he chatty and friendly and I never had a problem with that because t the end of the day, I have my males friends and I like that. But, I will always stick to the golden rules and will never go to the boys over Richard. Richard always come first - except on cases of my girlies friends. I miss my friend. I miss my old life, I miss having fun and going out and just living life. Nothin has that feeling any more. I don't ever feel loved by Richard any more. Things have become so hard with us. I can't wen trust him anymore, he's let me down so many times and upsets so much I'm beginning to wonder of this relationship will last or whether it will work ....

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I have written on here, so I am really sorry to all my
Fellow readers. Things have been going up and down like a yo to at the moment and it seems to be one thing after another. Poor old RichArd has been in and out of hospital, has been really poorly and doesn't appear to be getting any better either. My grandma is having a tough old time with out grandpa and has been transferred from Leicester hospital to a care village in town. She's hates it with a  passion. My poor old granddad was sent to prison for something he hasn't even done. Now I'll only tell you once,just watch your back, no one is this world is any good. We Live in a very cruel world and unfortunately the society has become all about money and greed, rather than care and goodness. Shame really. You cant even trust your own solitor anymore. Think I would much rather of lived back in the old days where people appreciated what they had and everyone looked after one and another. It's very rare anything like that happens anymore.

Anyway, when Richard had his cell infusion a few months ago, he fell quiet poorly and didn't feel right. He ended up in hospital with chest infection, which made him poorly but he also ended up with liver and pancrease problems. Basically, they thought the radiotherapy had inflamed them up as the lymphoma is right near his liver. He was in hospital for good 2 weeks and took forever to find out what the problem was, I don't really think they got to the bottom of it either or really knew what it is. He was going to have no ends of things done, then things were changed, even a liver biopsy which they then felt wasn't necessary in the end. Which he ended up having today... Anyway, his liver started to improve so he was then allowed to go home. Not long after that he was admitted in again.

I must admit it's been very  sad. In a way I kinda thought it was going to be this way. Even when they told us he was nearly in remission it didn't feel so true. I just knew it wasn't the end, but it's not going I can go talking about. People will tell me to stop being negative or stop saying silly things but when you've been in this situation for so long, you kinda just know, you get the gut feeling. It's very hard to explain, I'm sure some people who have been in the same situation would probably understand what I mean. I see and hear about people going through one or a couple of treatments and get the all clear and it's so weird to think that it so easy to cure them but not others. Why? So many questions and do many answers they don't know. Why this person and not that one?

Richards Liver biopsy all went okay today, was horrible as there is a risk you can bleed to death in this situation. Scary things. He'd had to stay in as well, so could be another couple of weeks before he comes home knowing my luck. It's so hard having to work around a cancer boyfriend, it;s not easy. plans never go ahead, he's always poorly, things always change. It's really hard. A big miracle would be perfect right now.m 

Poorly Richard

Nursing my poorly Richard better, Took the day off work today to come see him. We had a horrible day of scare yesterday. It went from one minute saying they might let him home to then having him put in for a ct scan. It was a horrible day, a day of waiting and I hate that. His blood results came back with his liver not working properly, then found that his infection mark was up and got a high temperature so was then put on tablets for that. Cf scan result- after what seemed like forever, and a good several hours showed that his pancrease is inflamed but they do not know why. As far as we know that cancer hasn't got any worse and is still in the same place. Poor boy is on so much dis comfort, I've just managed to send him to sleep with some head tickling. He's nill by the mouth too, as they want to let his tummy settle but also until we find more information about what's going on. Let's just hope he doesn't have to go for an operation and is just being caused by the radiotherapy or infusion, or a combination of both. His eyes have gone all yellow as so has his face, doesn't look as bad as his eyes though. Wish I could make it all go away now.

Happy Memories // RICHARD

just adding some photos of my wonderful Richard, i just noticed this blog has a lot of writing these days and not so many photos. I think i will have to change that :) 

DONOR LYMPHOCYTE INFUSION // RICHARD

It's been some time since i have written on here again, I don't seem to know where the time goes. Saying that i am just so busy, i very rarely get to sit down and get on here.

Life has been pretty hard, i miss my grandpa like crazy, and I've been running around like a yo yo machine, I now work full time, at last, and run the farm, look after Grandma, still don't go round as much as i used to but i find it so hard with out Grandpa there. I try to spend as much time with Richard too, but as like tonight, i am missing out on snuggle times, as unfortunately was kept in at the hospital and is staying in over the weekend.

He had two lots of radiotherapy this week, yesterday (Thursday) and Today. And then having his DLI tomorrow, which is an infusion of the Cells from him Donor. Really hope this works, if this doesn't there is nothing else they can do for me. It gets scarier every time and every day. I wish it would go away. Richard has been poorly since the very beginning  i just want us to have a normal relationship now, that we have never been able to have. It's so heart breaking, we have this amazing future we want to have toegther, and i now i feel likw it's never going to happen, and that we will never get to do what we want. Life is so unfair, why does it always nig at the Nice people. Please work, pleaseee.


xxx

Christmas Nightmare. // LIFE

Just as you think the world cant get any worse, it only goes and bites me back in the bum... Once again.
It's been a rubbish week and nothing is going right, and there are just simply not enough hours of the day. Richard was submitted back in to Hospital last week, and i'll be totally honest, have no idea what happend, or am i able to recall anything. I am Just so upset over grandpa and the shock of that, plus trying ti jiggle everything else just doesn't work. I am so tired and all i want to do, is switch it all off and sleep for a day or two and charge my batteries back up. 

Good night grandpa.

My world has fallen apart, the night mare hasn't even begun and already I just want to run a way and pretend that this isn't happening, or just travel back in time so we can have some happy times again.
My poor grandpa was rushed to the hospital yesterday, he's been poorly and not been quite right for a few months but he always kept on going and kept smiling and always battled on. The past two weeks he's suddenly been getting things sorted and helping out where he could, I never thought twice about it but my dad knew.  I saw him last Friday and we went to the bank to get some of his belongings, and some money as we normally do. I recently found out that he wasn't very well on at the weekend, Which i don't understand why nothing was done about it sooner. Apparently it wouldn't have made any different as his kidneys were failing anyway.

I spent some time with him and grandma on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night after work. I try to go up and see them anytime, and try to keep them happy and make sure they are okay. The last time I saw grandpa talking and happy was on Wednesday. He looked really fragile and Grandma had to help him through to the lounge to sit down, I've never seen him like that before. It was heart breaking, normally Grandma is the one that needed help. However, we were all Chatting away, laughing, smiling, joking about short bread and why don't we have long bread, he sounded much better and told me he hoped there was cure. He's been having bladder//kidney problems for a while. Just over a year he was rushed to hospital and was diagnosed with one faulty kidney. This meant he was then strapped up with a bag, and after that, he did't go out much, not as much as he used too. He stopped going to the farm, and only did it on a Sunday  Slowly over time he stopped that, but i could still get him to the bank, the hospital on a Monday for his bag, and other things. He kept going, despite that he could barely see, he kept on going but then 8/9 weeks a go, he suddenly got the shakes and couldn't do much any more. He slowly went down hill but it's easier to see it now, now looking back it so much easier to see it than it was at the time. I am so glad the past year has turned out the way it has, I've spent so much time and done so much to help, i even got my own set of keys for the farm. so much has happened but I  Never ever expected that would be the last night i'd  see him alive and happy.
Yesterday he was rushed to hospital and I just thought he would be okay. I just thought he needed some fluid and some rest and that he would recover. Dad wasn't convinced and knew he wouldn't be coming home. He knew he was giving up and in the end, and he did. I don't know if that was by choice or what, part of me feels he didn't want to go, but he didn't want to suffer any more or he didn't want us to see him struggling. He had always been the man of the house, and for him to be like that was embarrassing for him.  I don't feel he was ready to go,  he just wasn't. I know he was unhappy and fed up, but he loved seeing the family and he loved my visits. I had such a giggle with him on Wednesday, joking, smiling, and i even stayed longer to help him make there dinner, made the tea and got it all ready for him. The last words i got from him were,

Thank you Amy, for everything that you do for us, we miss your visits and to go see them when ever i want,  we  like to see you  and you  always cheer us up. we are really great full for everything that you do and all your help..... thank you for the shortbread,
that's okay grandpa, i am always happy to help out and hope you feel better in the morning, hope the short breads cheer you up a bit too....

Those words will stick with me for a very long time. I just can't believe how he went down hill so quickly and so suddenly, I don't think any amount of human love was enough to save him. Even dear grandma who needs him to keep her sane.

I'll miss you dear grandpa, so much. The world will never be the same again and i can't believe i will never see or talk to you again. MY world has ended and my heart and a broken hole in it. I will always love you grandpa.

A New Beginning? ....

First of all, I am really sorry for my lack of writing recently. Life has become so hectic  now that i have two jobs and a farm to run. Richard has been doing okay, having a lot of problems with his tummy, but other wise he is doing really well.

We got the impression we were going to get his results ect before Christmas, but after seeing the top specialist on Wednesday ( November 29th), we brought his appointment early by a week as he wanted to discuss about the results, and about his tummy. It's been giving him such a hard time, he wanted it sorting out. So really, we just went over to see about that really. We came home on the high, they have reduced some more tablets but they have decided to leave the results now until the New Year. They don't want to radioactive him any more, so for now, he's been told he can start going out again and can go to the Christmas party//events we have coming up. This is just perfect, they are really pleased with him and basically said his Transplant is now 100% donor, so there is no more of Richard's stem cells left. They are all now German. He's done lucky, as his hair colour is still the same and bits so am really happy for that. The only odd thing is, is sometimes, i don't feel like its my Richard, sounds so silly i know but sometimes i feel like im holding a strangers hand? i don't know it that is possible or if i'm imaging it. But Either way, I do not like it....

We off to Harlaxton Manor on Thursday for Christmas singing, food and wine. I can not wait, i'm finally really looking forward to spending some time with me man :) and most of all having some fun again.


Amy

xxx

it's so hard.

I went out on Saturday night for my sisters birthday and i forgot just how much i miss having a normal life, having a social life, going out, being normal again for one night, and most of all forgetting that everything is happening... But at the same time made me realize at why some relationships just don't last though these phases and hard times. It's an awful thing to say, but again, it's something people can not judge or comment on unless they have been through it them selves. You can never say, well if i was in that situation... bla bla, no you really can't because unless you are actually going though it, there is not a slight chance  in the world where any one can even try to understand, the strain, pressure and pain. nothing.

Part of me just feels so insane, i want to be with Richard i do, but i feel so helpless and so miserable. Were never happy anymore, we always bicker and always fall out. It's just getting to the stage were we fall out of such silly things. For example, om Saturday night i wore some leather look leggings as i was dressed up as Sandy from Greece. Richard has this thing and wanted to see me in them first before i went out, its just a pair of leggings but he still had a big moody about it and then was funny with me all night and all Sunday. All the constant silly things is just fading things away, there's no spark or anything  to be excited about any more.