Hickman line // cancer

The Hickman line has been removed. What should have been a simple removal ended up taking a very long time. It tutned out that the surgeon who put the line in had put it in quite deep, and because the skin heals around the tube, they have to cut the skin to take it out. Normally and most people only need one stitch, but unlucky for richard he ended up with 3, and has been in a fair bit of pain for the past few days.

On a positive note, it's great to have it out, no more things poking me or getting in the way. Here are a few fun photos i thought id share.

         

Results // Transplant

Today went really well and I am pleased to announce that Richard has had some brilliant news. The results from his recent PET scan show that everything has improved. His lungs and all lumps. It's not quiet 100% gone but it's all going in the right direction. I think I must of known it was all good because not once did I feel like this was bad news. Normally I get a gut feeling and know. Even Richard said on his way to the hospital that he felt like he was okay, normally when he goes in he feels pain here or there and knows something isn't right. For the first time he said he felt normal, and he was right its okay. :)
I'm so excited for him. He's still on all of his tablets and still on his steroid and on some cream to help this rashes. No mixing with people yet, as it is a little bit to early still. He can't risk catching anything as it could send it all back the wrong way, and that is the last thing that we want to happen. Means we can think about the engagement, saying that he still hasn't officially proposed yet - maybe that will be a Christmas thing, in the snow? well you never know hey. WE all have our little dreams and wedding fairy tales. Can't wait until we go on holiday again, it could actually happen again. Excitement is an understatement right now.

Another 3 moths and he could be in remission :) and it could be one hell of a party - as Richard says.


kick cancer !!!!

Results day tomorrow // Richard

It's Richards Results tomorrow and i should be spending the night with him, instead im stuck at home miserable as anything trying to come to terms with yesterdays, as i would call it a horror movie scene.

As always i popped down the farm to feed the animals, it was only about 9am if not a bit later than that, that i discovered poor rupert dead, i opened the pen to go in and look at him. My first intention was, that she had died in her sleep or vice versa and the rats//crows had started to eat at her... realizing how quiet it was and then realized i couldn't see any ducks in sight. normally my 3 months old camp-bells would have come over quacking away, very talkative, no where to be see. Find another dead duck at the far end pretty much eaten, i look to the right and see poor freddie stuck in between the chicken wire fencing with no head, walking around i then found the two campbell drakes behind the hutch. I was deverated, it was like i was in horrow movie. I bursted in to tears dropped the freshly cooked vegetable (as the ducks love them) and food and ran out. I phoned my dad in tears, Im still so upset about it tonight. Its so heart breaking because, what ever it was wiped all 7 ducks, freddie and the other one were old, but were okay and poor rupert loved to sit in the washing up bowl instead of the big bowl? They were my world, What took me by shock was that the two chickens were fine, not a stratch on them, event he teo geese were okay. One looked like she had put up a fight as she has a limp and funny eye but other than that i couldn't believe it.

the only thing we can conclude was that it could of been a mink- which is really scary. 

Day 50

Yipeeeeee. Richard is half way though his 100 days.
Can't believe I've not written on here for a while, sorry I've been abit lame. It's been really busy, and Richard is doing really well which is a bonus.
Feel sad for him as he's getting really fed up and bored and it's not like we can just get up and do something, it's so frustrating. Oh well, we will get there eventually.

50 days roughly until richard has his next scan and when hopefully we will find out that is has kind of worked. I'm not thinking about it much though, there's no point. There is no point in worrying about all of this before we even know.

Still no signs on the missing chicks s, I've even joined a few chicken sights and looks as thought everyone has had the same problem with there first baby chicks, so all I can do now is learn from my experience and be Extra careful in the future.
Looking at buying more chickens and even some ducks for the farm. It's so exciting. I even saw some tiny baby pheasants this morning too. I love animals and nature. But I love fashion too, I just don't know where my heart is telling me to go with my future. Why can't life be simple huh.

Day 22.

Richards seems to be doing really well so far, ESP since having his infusion on Tuesday. He's really tired at times but other than that he's pulling him self along nicely.

But we still have a long way to go yet and the thought of going to his next ct scan results is terrifying me. No matter how positive i am, I walrus have in the back of my mind- what if, what of it doesn't work and then what? I can they'll but think about it. It's so easy for people to say don't worry he will be okay- but really. No one knows, no one can say that because it's not true. Yeah he could be but with everything you that you go through you can't stand to hear that because like I said they don't know.
3 years has been a long time now. I can't even remember reall when we've really had the chance to have a normal relationship becAuse well, we've not. I've never really had the chance to really meet and hang out with Richards friends- half of them are getting married or have done and I don't know them. I feel like when we finally do- I won't know anyone that he does, I do a little bit but not enough, it's so Strange, I've almost forgotten what a normal life is. The past 3 years has been involved around hospital and doctors and so on. I guess that's my life now, and it always will be in a way. I think I'll struggle to finally come to terms with a normal life, as our relationship has entirely been based on his cancer- that's all I really know. I've know RichArd for years but never really hung out a great deal so, I don't know, I'm not sure if we'd be here today or if we'd still be together, or even got together if he hadn't had all this? My mind is terrible, it goes round and round like a yo yo- thinking of things that shouldn't even pop in to my head but unfortunately they do. Some people say I had a wild mind that I need to turn off sometimes.

day 25. time just keeps flying by.

can't believe its been 10 days since i last wrote about Richard's last updates. It's been such a mad manic week, i can't believe how quickly the days have flown by...


I didn't get to see Richard over last weekend. I went to spend some time with my little sister over in Northampton, along with my friend Emma. Just needed something to do and a bit of time out space. People don't realize how tiring it is, having to be in my place. Had a relaxing time, and then my sister had a jewellery party on the Sunday- was nice to kind of feel normal for a bit again. But, not one minute goes by that i don't think about Richard or his situation.

Anyway, Richard mum and brother went to visit him on Sunday as it was Janet's birthday ( rich's mum), was hoping to get over too but i was late home and i felt so tired and sick, the minute i got home i went straight to bed. Unfortunately i didn't even get to see him on Monday either as i had to take my dad to his PET Scan at Glenfield, which went all okay. Were just awaiting for the results now, i hope for gods sake its all okay. I really cant cope with this again, not yet anyway.

Good news though, Richard texted me on Monday saying he would be coming home that week, possibly Tuesday or Wednesday depending on how he is doing and how his results are. He started getting pains with his  stomach acid, because they took him off his acid tablets. they did this to try and get his stomach to near as normal as possible. something to do with the medicine kills of his friendly bacteria that he needs, if this happens it makes things worse in the long run??? yeah i don't get any of it tbh. Poor Richard though, his acid is giving him so much grief he was struggling to eat.

On Tuesday  morning. he found out that his neutrophills were 5.4, anything above 5 means fab. This means his body should be makings everything work again properly :) The doctors were then going to put him on steroids and take him off is antibiotics... he's was finally starting to show some improvements again, it was such an up lifting moment :) he was happy, you could tell it, in his voice.

Richard is also at his Graft V Host as well, this is all good. However they can only let it happen so much. If it goes over board then its not good.

During all this time, we have both also been looking for engagement rings, its been sad because we cant go shopping together to choose one, means everything will have to be done different, but that's okay. I can cope with that, it might not be my ideal dream that we all have when we grow up, but i guess this makes it extra special in away.

Found out on Tuesday morning that Richard was allowed to go home  very unexpected, i couldn't believe it. Meant in me having to do a last major car hoover so i could actually bring him home for once and for the first time. Couldn't have been more happier. So anyway, i went over to see him at normal time, helped him pack the last bits and took what seemed like the longest trip back and fourth to the car with his stuff. Anyone would think he'd just got back from holiday, seeing it all loaded up in my car. I did it though and after a long day, he finally got his tablets at 6.30 and off home we went. :)

Wednesday i was finally going to see richard at home and finally get snuggles in bed again, even though i was pretty scared like. Today was Alan's Birthday (richy's little brother) and was a litte visit from the queen in satmford, Which my gran and i went to see. Oh, she was so beautiful, had a police man standing in front of me, more to the left so was able to get a good view of the queen heading my direction. Took a guess at taking a photo and took it a tiny bit too early, but, it was take a good photo and risk not seeing her looking, or just  take a quick piccy, and make sure i see her. Which now i am glad i did, because her face was so lit up with her smile, and even though it would had made the best photo, seeing her was more important. After all, not like you get to see her everyday hey. Shen was gone before i knew it, so quickly i had to question my self to whether i had actually seen her or not. Her big smiley face is still as clear in my memory.

some how i can't save the  zoom on the photo, but when you see it, you can see her very well :) 

Spent the night at Richard's on Wednesday night, was so so nice to have him back and snuggles in bed again. I can't believe he is home, i can't believe how quickly the last 4 weeks have gone. Seemed like yesterday when it all started happening, but then in some ways, it doesn't.

Richards been on the internet and found a lovely engagement ring that we both like the design on, we've been chatting about it and decided on either sapphire or Emerald.  i love both colours so that turns out really well. Richard found a lovely jewelleries on the internet and rang them about the ring. He had an appointment with the designer on the Thursday to discuss and design the ring to fit his budget, style and ect.  Turned out that emerald isn't a very good stone, now i should have remembered this from working in a jewellery shop for a year. emerald is a really brittle stone, and breaks easily. Not suitable for my way of life, which means i would constantly have to keep taking it off, well that's not worth it for an engagement ring that should be worn all the time. 

Richard had a check up on friday, all went okay, got to go back on Monday for the next check up.Apparently it will be a long while yet before we even know if this transplant has worked or not... we just have to hope that the 3 months scan doesn't show any worse than the last scan or it's going to be very upsetting, it will mean it's not worked. It's okay, if they still see a few bits showing up as there is still plenty if time for the new cells to fight it off. So, it will be more nearer the 6 months to when we will know more. More waiting around an more gambling. He's also got to be very sensible, and not mix with too many people and do as he's told and he should be okay. He's got to go back twice a week for the time being..... 

...... 

night night. time for bed. 

day 15 - 7th June 2012

Poor Richard wasn't doing very well yesterday. I finally got round to visiting him at about 3.45, and he seemed to be okay. He was in a little discomfort with his sore ears, jaw, gum and teeth. He had a few paracemol in his water and some oramorphy pain relief stuff.
He found out that his white cells are coming up which is fabulous news, but they didn't know about his neutrophils, but they say when the white cells improve then so do they - which turned out we found out later on the evening that they were :) means he at less chance of catching infections, can still catch them but is at a safer level i spose.

Poor richard got worse and worse as the afternoon went on, the poor boy was in so much pain he couldn't stop crying. It's so sad to see him like that, but they seemed to take notice and tried to sort it out quickly. I left him with his mum at about 8.30 pm. Spent all afternoon just tickling him and calming him down, trying to get him to sleep which didn't work much due to the pain. :(

He was sent for an x ray when i'd gone home and they said they couldn't see anything, which was great but not to count on it, so we were having to wait to find out today what was happening. They couldn't see anything but found it very strange to why he was in a lot of pain - so who knows what is going on. Hopeing he would feel much better today, but he was still not too good. Being sick, then being put on anti sickness and then he been sleeping all day but hopefully it will do him some good tomorrow when i see him.


:)

day 11. updates

day 7 - Wednesday 30th May 2012


Went to visit Richard, He was doing really well today. Wearing some of those weird socks for bed which make him look really funny :) Didn't sleep much last night. A bit worried about everything that is going to happen and vise versa. Had a chat with richard today. 

Richard spying on me out of the hospital window - only bonus if being stuck in the que is the fact that i can look up and spy on richard he he he :P

makes the waiting time so much more exciting.

getting this picture from richard has made me smile tonight !!

Day 9 - Friday 1st June 

Back to see Richard to day, again hes doing really well its fabulous :)

What a day, so richard was doing really well and we were having a good day watching gossip girl which was fun. Ended up having one of our little arguments again about everything... god know how we ended up on that but luckily, richard has learnt to give up and be nice rather than wind me up and keep annoying and upsetting me!! i can't be more pleased, means less arguing and more happy times :). 

richard having a top up in ....

Day 11 -

Richard is doing really well. His nurse Charlie said,  it's because he's been drinking everyday, eaten, and done something every day. Some patients just go in and all they do is sleep. There was a girl who did the same as richard, and she was out with 14 days after her transplant and is now doing really well. So, it's all good news really. 

Been and spent the afternoon, evening with richard today. He's shaved all of his hair off today as it was all falling out. He has a couple of little red marks on his head which he is on antibiotics for. Richard got some good news todays, his counts have started to come back up, where they will stop for bit and the start again. It takes a total of 3 months for the new cells to take over his body. If the cells rush up too quickly then it means his own system is now allowing the transplant to work which is what we don't want to happen. So just fingers crossed. He's still at low levels, so he's at high risk if catching any infections ect. 

Spent the day watching The Queens Jubilee celebrations on tv. Watching the boats and then the horse display tonight. Poor Richard was all tired and worn out tonight. He got all upset when Joss stones sang 'aint no mountain high enough' we last saw this song being sang at his dads funeral and even i got all sad too. Think a few tears did him good. I know how much he really misses his dad, and i so wish i could make it all go away for him. Poor boy.

Bank Holiday Mondat tomorrow so off to work i go, back to see richard on tuesday at some point :)

night x

day 6. another story too.

So Richard appears to be doing really well today. Managed to get back on to his playstation, and thats all i know of really.

Unfortuantly it's not really been my day. Dad had an appointment at glenfeild today so said i wouldd take him. He had a CT scan yesterday as he has recently been ill with a cough. He made an emergency appointment where he had an Xray and a check over, not much else happened. The day after he had a hand written letter out though to the letter box to call the doctors because of something not right with the xray. Turned out something abnormal was there so he then out through to Glenfield and they got him an appointment and a CT scan too.

Anyway, went in to today, Wasnt to bad driving over. Never thought the worse of it, was just convinced it was nothing to worry but even though i had thought deep in mind it could well be cancer, but then i thought nai, not another person. Well. turns out dad has a tumour in both of his lung, i knew the minute i saw the CT scans on the Computer, Ive seen it all before, i know how it works and what the lumps look like, I knew before the consultant even said. I didn't need him to tell me any more. Poor Dad, he quit smoking last year and was doing so well. So, After looking at the CT Scan, the consultant said it was very un usal to have 2 very small lumps ( one in each lung) he mentioned that his liver looked a bit out of colour or something a long the lines if that. Now my biggest worry is, what if he has liver cancer which has spread to his lungs??? He's got to have a PET scan to see if they can find anything else. Dear God, please just let him be okay. Weve already lost MR B. we cant loose my daddy too, Weve got future plans to run the farm and get it back up and running. He cant be poorly or be taken away. I know my dad's an idiot at times, and is annoying and sometimes i wish he'd learn his lesson and sort him self out but not this way....


It's just when you think thing's cant get any worse and now my daddy  could have cancer!!!

just got to pray and pray for him, and richard too.


night x

day 5.

after a nice weekend away with my sister and some friends i went back to see Richard today. Unfortunately when i was away he was really poorly on Saturday. found it really hard being so far away, having no contact with and not knowing if he was okay, what was happening or what was going on. He had a bad reaction to some medicine he was on/or something like that. He had a very bad headache, was really poorly and very sick :( Poor Boy. Richard Mum went over to look after him which i didn't know until she was home later that evening. Just wished i'd know earlier in the day, i wouldn't have worried so much and tried to of enjoyed my time a bit more. I needed a break. We don't get to have a normal life.

Being with some one who has cancer doesn't just change the little things, it changes everything, it changes your whole life, an I mean everything in it....

we never get to do normal things, cant go out on the piss like he used to, i've been with him for nearly 4 years now and never have i really been out with all of him friends, hung out with them or anything, by the time he's better its going to be so strange because we've just not had that normal life is so long, its like i've actually forgotten what a normal life is?

Anyway. back to my visit today, considering he had such a bad day on Saturday and was a little  better last night, he did really well today. I was really pleased for him. We managed a good old natter, both had a little kip, then chatted. HE went to sleep again and then we watched home and away :) then his mum showed up so had a catch up and a natter with her too.


Poor rich tried so hard not to get all emotional again before i left, saying he was sorry for putting me through this all. But the thing is, we were just friends when it happens. I let us get together, and i chose to be with him. Funny how life goes. He keeps talking about Portugal and how he wants to take me away again, and we will go on holiday when he's better. Hoping that's giving him something to keep him going for the next 6 months or so.....



night night
x

Day 3.

Been to visit the wonderful richard today. He's doing okay, was very tired and got a little big groogy towards the end of the evening but is generally doing really well considering he only had his transplant yesterday.

His count levels have halved since yesterday which explains why he was really tired even after a good night sleep, which means, the chemo has worked really well along side it all. He was still smiling away as he always does but was developing a bit of cough. Hoping that it's just a little thing and nothing to serious.

Im off to Newcastle tomorrow to have some girlie time with my sister and my friend carly. I need some time out to chill. I've not been out and had a normal night out in such a long time, in fact i can't even remember what a normal life of going out every odd weekend and doing normal stuff is now. My life literally evolves around Richard and his cancer, hospital and treatment. That's how its been for the past 3 years, i almost wonder if i'll cope okay when i get a normal life back again after all of this? you'd like to think so right.

night x

Stem Cell Transplant Day is here. Day 0

Richards Stem Cell transplant day has finally arrived :) Been a really easy day today, poor Richard was very tired compared to yesterday so unfortunately it wasn't a fun day but we still had nice relaxing one. Arrived at the hospital at about 1.15pm, had an easy afternoon, watched an old film called Jet. Richard fell asleep whilst i tickled his head for almost the whole film. Definitely not complaining though :) to see him sleeping happily and resting is one the best things to watch when he's in there.

richy taking a nap 

Richards stem cells transplant 

Cells have come from Germany, transported by train which was interesting. They turned up just after 5.30pm ish. Transplant took place just after 6pm and took nearly two hours to go through. It's very simple really, its just like watching a blood transfusion. Simple as anything, Most people think Transplant means operation, but it actually doesn't, which is rather interesting. I learn something new every-time i go to that hospital.

I leant to day that a stem cell transplant, is more intense than a organ transplant. This is because an organ transplant is just one body organ, where as stem cell is the immune system which controls the whole body. So technically this in a whole body transplant. it so exciting really too.

Hopefully Richard should be okay for a few days, then his counts will start to drop and he will get worse before he is better. Fingers crossed he goes through it all okay.

Ill go back and visit him on friday. hoping he will still be in high spirits.


......

23 may 2012 

Transplant tomorrow.

22/05/2012

richard having a lolly to cool this throat down during treatment 

I can't believe how quickly time has flown by,  this time tomorrow Richard would have had his cells transplanted. They are coming from a lad in Germany, which is really exciting.  Richard has been rather lively recently. Today he had lots of flubid, and i mean bags and bags and a treatment to wipe his whole system out ready for tomorrows transplant. Basically this drug wipes out his immune system so if he didn't have this stem cell transplant he would die... its all really clever really and rather exciting. He's still in high spirits but i think all the walking to the toilet and back has worn him out. 

updates....

visiting Richard again in hospital appears to be taking a toll on me....
but
Visted Richard again today (20/05/2012) he seemed okay to day. Was really pleased with his lego and happily played and built it. Ah thats the richard i know. Watched Miami vice,  played on the PlayStation and had a laugh today. Better make the most of these times before he starts to get poorly. We sure did have a giggle and it has put a smile on my face :)  Chilled out all evening and watched come dine with me whilst alan poped over. i then left him with alan. I'll go back on tuesday to spend the day with him :)

this is where it all begins...

I can't believe how quickly time has flown by, and how quickly things have been happening the past 2 weeks. I've been meaning to keep updating but seems as though I've just not had the time to get on to here, or I've been too tired to even attempt to write.

As Richard was going in to hospital the day before my birthday (may 15th) we decided to have some time together and celebrate my birthday whilst we can. We took a trip down to bornemwouth with a day trip to london on route, and had a really nice time away. Shame on the weather being a bit crap but we sure made the most of it :)

We came back on saturday afternoon after deciding to stay an extra night, which i am so glad we did as it just gave us some extra time together when the sun decided to come out and saw some beautiful scenery an lots of wild ponies, it was just so beautiful.


Richard went in on the 15th, so i didnt see him on the 16th due to my birthday and then i was working in the 17th so was really glad to finally go see him on Friday. Those two days felt like they went on forever. He had his hickman line put in on the 16th and then started treatment on the 17th, He reacted quite badly to this, which we found was a good sign as this meant it was attacking any bad cells left in his body. Making his body come out in these odd rashers. He had a couple of visitors over, and whilst they were there he reacted to the treatment, which made his body shake. I think it was some sort of allergy reaction as he was really really poorly, i just wanted to be there but i didn't know it was happening until later that night. guess i cant be there all the time hey.

he seemed okay when i visited on Friday morning, we built my horse lego that he got me for my bday and watched a film. He seemed dokay for most of the day up until about 10 mins before i had to go to the cinema to meet sammy, in which whilst i was there he went down hill and was really poorly. Trust him to get like that when i am gone. Ive brought him some more lego and its a police one so he can have that to build on sunday :) if hes feeling up to it.

night x

transplant Date.

i have been abosloutly rubbish at using this recently. Things have been going really well so I've not had much to write about.

However we have a date for Richard's Transplant which is due on the 14th April 2012. This will only go ahead if everything between now and then goes to plan which i should think it will do. So providing his lungs get better, which we still don't know what this is... he had a breathing test but because he didn't have one before everything, they don't actually have any thing else to look at or compare too.. so am only hoping that on his next breathing test it will have improved.

Richard has an appointment on Wednesday so we will see how that goes and what the next lot of plans are... very nervous but sooner the better i guess :) 

Good News.

We won the appeal :) I am so so happy, the news couldn't have been any better than it was. Now we are just waiting for the slow Americans to get there slow butts moving with the new drug, so Richard can finally start to feel better soon.


Richard is still really struggling, his heart is still very high and he's still going in for his monday, wednesday and friday check up. Hoping this will be the last week of visits and really hope that next week he can start his new treatment. I am desperate for him to start this now, its just so hard and straining looking after him and just being there for him in general. No one in the world has any clue just how mentally tiring it is.

just got to keep on going and keep on smiling....