I feel as though the relationship has been ruined. I can't help to feel if we can ever get back to normal. I know Richard is sorry and he will try his hardest but thing is, after reading a number of his emails to his nurses seeing him poor his heart out and how they deserved a place in heaven one day, has just ruined everything between us. I have never felt him speak his so meaningful or felt what I felt him say to the nurses in his emails. I never get that feeling, it's so hard to describe. Everything he says to me me now doesn't get my heart going. It never seems meaningful and that he is only doing it to make up for he has done. I don't feel there is a deep contract of love between is anymore. The more he lives in hospital the more he relies on the nurses, the more he talks to them on Facebook an the more he emails them is actually destroying our relationship. He is trying, and I know that but I jut can't get over his heart pouring emails, I've never ever in the four years we've been together has he ever been like that to me. He seems to have this habbit of pouring his heart out to everyone but me. I've probably been through this with him the most out of anyone being his Gf. I remember this one night where he started getting Spasms. They got really bad and we went off to the hospital in the middle of the night, the ambulance drive over was quite blurry. I barely remember much of it but I remember he being drugged up on morphine. I was on one side of him whilst he mum and dad were on the other. He poured his heart out for hours and literary forgot I was there, I know he was drugged up on morphine but whether he is or not it's always the same. I never feel like he's talking to me from his heart, I feel it's just from his head to stop me moaning about what he hasn't done but it doesn't make anything any better. Part of me wonders why were still together when he can't just do what he does with everyone else. Nothing means meaningful any more. I can't remember the last time he set my heart off. I'm just always in heart ache and ways in anger😡 . Wondering why he does what he does and why not with me, his gf, his future life. I don't even know what I'm trying I'm to say. Well I do but I can't seem to get it down. It's so hard. I just feel just because I'm his Gf I'm just expected to get on with it, because I am his Gf it's what I am supposed to do. It's times when he says he can't text me because he too poorly but finding he is okay to emails the nurses after they've been on their shift saying how great full he is, its heart breaking for me. I never get that heart pouring messages. Never. He goes out of his way for them but for me, he's always too poorly or things always come up and interrupt him. I feel like there is this massive gap between us.
He's been told today that things will be like they are for the near future. At the moment he is in bed all the time, can't do anything, can't work and basically just resting. I can't help thinking, what if this is how our life is going to be from now on. The past 4 years have been hard, luckily we managed to go on holiday twice in one year and went to London / Bournemouth last year but life is pretty dull. I don't feel like we will ever get a normal life again. He's 29 and I'm 27, we've missed out on a hell of lot. I've not done half the things I have wanted to do and I've certainly not had the normal relationship life. Our whole relationship he has been poorly.
I think, we never thought it would go this far or would he have so much an luck. I think we thought we'd back to normal before we knew but sadly that hasn't happened. It doesn't look like its going that way any time soon either. I can't just walk away from him after so long, but part of me wants to follow my own foot steps and do what I really want to do. I'm so lost. I know Richard loves me but right now I just feel he's only doing and saying things to try Make things okay. Not because he really wants to but because he's got to try. After what he did was wrong. But I feel he would rather just be single and that he can do and email who ever he wants. I wouldn't normally care but neglecting me over the nurses is the worst feeling in the world. And I really can't forgive him for it. Not for all the stress, hard work he's put me though. He's been one mean bugger at times and he is really good at being very selfish and doing things to upset me. Really good at it. When he was in last time, he been down stairs for an scan. He was ages so I just sat and read my book. I was happy with that. But when he came back he wasn't at all the least pleased to see me! No smile nothing and then happily had a banter and laugh with the nurses. It was like that all day! He's so insensitive. Part of me thinks I should never stand by that and should not let him do it. And he shouldn't and he will apologize Every time but nothing seems to get any better. He keeps promising but I can't helps to think he's has more feelings toward certain people than he admits. To me and him self....
He's been told today that things will be like they are for the near future. At the moment he is in bed all the time, can't do anything, can't work and basically just resting. I can't help thinking, what if this is how our life is going to be from now on. The past 4 years have been hard, luckily we managed to go on holiday twice in one year and went to London / Bournemouth last year but life is pretty dull. I don't feel like we will ever get a normal life again. He's 29 and I'm 27, we've missed out on a hell of lot. I've not done half the things I have wanted to do and I've certainly not had the normal relationship life. Our whole relationship he has been poorly.
I think, we never thought it would go this far or would he have so much an luck. I think we thought we'd back to normal before we knew but sadly that hasn't happened. It doesn't look like its going that way any time soon either. I can't just walk away from him after so long, but part of me wants to follow my own foot steps and do what I really want to do. I'm so lost. I know Richard loves me but right now I just feel he's only doing and saying things to try Make things okay. Not because he really wants to but because he's got to try. After what he did was wrong. But I feel he would rather just be single and that he can do and email who ever he wants. I wouldn't normally care but neglecting me over the nurses is the worst feeling in the world. And I really can't forgive him for it. Not for all the stress, hard work he's put me though. He's been one mean bugger at times and he is really good at being very selfish and doing things to upset me. Really good at it. When he was in last time, he been down stairs for an scan. He was ages so I just sat and read my book. I was happy with that. But when he came back he wasn't at all the least pleased to see me! No smile nothing and then happily had a banter and laugh with the nurses. It was like that all day! He's so insensitive. Part of me thinks I should never stand by that and should not let him do it. And he shouldn't and he will apologize Every time but nothing seems to get any better. He keeps promising but I can't helps to think he's has more feelings toward certain people than he admits. To me and him self....
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