It's a broccoli.

Richard has been in hospital for a long 12 weeks now, what seems like the longest time ever too. My mum brought him a toy broccoli, in hoping it would cheer him up. It;s done just the job and kept us amused for the rest of the day <3  He also had another Blood Transfusion today as well, hoping he will feel a bit more perkier tomorrow morning. 

          

Tiredness and strain. Cancer sucks.

I'm still really doomed that things wont  be back to normal anytime soon. I feel quite empty and spaced out. I can't help wondering if things will ever get better. I can't help to think what if we're still like this in 4 years time and things are still the same. What kind of quality of life is that giving me/us. I don't mean to sound selfish but when your poorly it's different because you simple can't do anything, where as me I can. The thing that worries me is that I'm going to be so attached to Richard's care life that I don't have my own life any more. I feel as though if he is still in the same boat in another 4 years, I wont be doing anything with my life. Would I of moved out? I'll be 31, and I'm so worried that I'm constantly missing out of things that i will regret not doing the things I've wanted too. I'm so worried about the future. I don't even have a good circle of close friends any more. In fact sometimes that's easier because they don't understand, and try to tell me it will be okay, but the truth is, No one knows he will be okay. And trying to make it all okay is the most annoying thing any one can do. People just have no idea how it's change my life and everything has changed. The longer it goes on the longer I just feel like we're just friends and I am a carer. There is hardly any bond between us any more. This cancer is draining our relationship so bad now, and again I went to visit Richard yesterday. He was too tired to talk to me but he happily sat up and chatted to nurses asking them questions. Every time I tried to encourage him to talk to me he just pulled faces so in the end I was that fed up and I went home. I'm not going to take my time out to visit him, where I have to drive an hour to get to him, queue in the massive long wait to queue in to the car park for him to annoy me like that. It's just not fair. I try not to let it bother me I really do, but it does. I get compliments off other people at how amazing I am for what I do and despite everything going on I am still smiling and yeah those people are right but with Richard it's just a totally black out world. I have my own problems going on, along side of him and he is never there to support me. I feel so lonely and am desperate to be in a loving relationship where I get all the support I should. He always seems to forget I have all the other drama going on and expects me to fully concentrate on him, but i really can't. He has become one the most selfish people I know. Even when my grandad had his accident I needed him at the other end of the line- what did he do, he went for dinner as his female friends house... It's just he never stops to think, yet always does what he wants yet when things go bad for him I have to ditch what I am doing. Its never fair and always one sided and it is making  me really miserable. I want to  be able to go out and have fun with out him digging at me or making me feel bad. I don't do anything to upset him or piss him off and yet he's moaned at me for dressing up for my sisters birthday. So typical. It's like because he emails  the nurses,  it almost makes him paranoid of what  I am  doing and picks a fight! It's so petty. I am so fed up of his selfishness. He never used to be this bad at all. He used do anything for me but now he's so grumpy and rude all the time I'm just so fed up and so sad all the while he never gives me a reason to be happy any more.

Happy Memories // RICHARD

just adding some photos of my wonderful Richard, i just noticed this blog has a lot of writing these days and not so many photos. I think i will have to change that :) 

A New Beginning? ....

First of all, I am really sorry for my lack of writing recently. Life has become so hectic  now that i have two jobs and a farm to run. Richard has been doing okay, having a lot of problems with his tummy, but other wise he is doing really well.

We got the impression we were going to get his results ect before Christmas, but after seeing the top specialist on Wednesday ( November 29th), we brought his appointment early by a week as he wanted to discuss about the results, and about his tummy. It's been giving him such a hard time, he wanted it sorting out. So really, we just went over to see about that really. We came home on the high, they have reduced some more tablets but they have decided to leave the results now until the New Year. They don't want to radioactive him any more, so for now, he's been told he can start going out again and can go to the Christmas party//events we have coming up. This is just perfect, they are really pleased with him and basically said his Transplant is now 100% donor, so there is no more of Richard's stem cells left. They are all now German. He's done lucky, as his hair colour is still the same and bits so am really happy for that. The only odd thing is, is sometimes, i don't feel like its my Richard, sounds so silly i know but sometimes i feel like im holding a strangers hand? i don't know it that is possible or if i'm imaging it. But Either way, I do not like it....

We off to Harlaxton Manor on Thursday for Christmas singing, food and wine. I can not wait, i'm finally really looking forward to spending some time with me man :) and most of all having some fun again.


Amy

xxx

a sad story

"Money can't buy you happiness ..."

People say that money can't buy you happiness, and i have always believed this because i have always had money, that I've never been with out it to realize just how much we actually need it. It's funny because I've always sworn by the money is nothing, it doesn't make me happy and i'd be okay with out it. turns out that's way far from the truth. 

Happy.

Richard kindly popped a cheeky proposal on facebook last night!!!! ( 6/6/2012)


Clearly he was all drugged up and said when he woke up this morning he wasn't sure if he's done the right thing (LOL) good job i know him too well isnt it. but hes so over the moon, and so many people are happy for him it looks like were going to be having to do this and make it official....

Day 12.

Tuesday 4th June

I should be fast asleep by now, i am so so tired but i seem to have become wide awake that if i even tried to sleep it wouldn't happen for ages.

Have had a lovely weekend celebrating the Queens Diamond Jubiliee. It's been fantastic, watched bits at home and bits with richard in  hospital, and we even did our own jubilee picnic at home last night with gran and grandad, laura and eddy, and mum and dad. It;s been great. And to top up the Good news the doctor said to richard yesterday morning that he could come home at the end of week - which would have been fabulous  but unfortuntaly last night he picked up an upset tummy and has been a poorly boy today and tonight.

He was all upset and very emotional tonight. I can't imagine, or begin to even try how he must be feeling. I only understand how i feel as does he. No one on the outside understands or can even try too, its a very hard and at most of the time a very lonely thing to go through. Were going through it together, and i spose we can kind of see how we both feel but we literally keep each other going. people on the outside try but sometimes i feel like saying please don't bother, not to be mean cruel or horrible its just because i know they try to help but deep down it really doesn't. People just don't know.

Richard was having a little chat with me tonight, we've agreed that if anything happens to him and if he doesn't make it that i have control over his sperm bank. it's so weird to even think about it, but knowing i've got that part of him that could potential carry him on to a new person would be fabulous to feel i could still have his child and part most of all have part of him. We always talk about marriage and that, but he says now he wants to more than ever. whether he gets better or not, we are going to get married... well, i think you might want to propose first sunshine :P


good night x

Richard.

A New Year.

2012

wow, another new year and another new beginning. I can't believe how quickly time keeps flying by. I've not been on here much recently either, as Christmas was really busy and well, Richard has been doing so so well. Its nearly time for his next treatment, in fact he will be having that on Monday. I can't believe how well it has been working. its like having the old Richard back again. I'm so so happy, but i know soon he will be having the transplant and i know soon he will be poorly and this will all go upside down but i know it will go by really quickly. 

2011

 2011 is finally coming to an end today. 2012 is going to be another tough year but i hope 2013 will be the year for Richard and I. 2009 was rubbish, so was 2010, this year wasnt the best and well 2010 wont be all that great either. We've just got to get through this year and hopefully Richard will finally be on the mend at the end of it.

Richard is hoping to have his transplanr in march, which gives us a little more time to enjoy some company and maybe he can go back to work for a little bit. who knows. 

Happy Memories

Being cheeky as always . But i love him for it. 

Random. // Richard // LOVE

Amy 

loves 

Richard.

that's all. 

sometimes it's good to shout these things to the world.

:)

xxxxx

Lazy day.

Richard wasn't very well today so we decided to have a lazy day in bed and watch 24 all day. I would never have spent the whole day in bed before Richard but days like this, it just seems like the best thing to do. No hassle, cuddles and happiness. 

Time Flys.

Richard