I'm still really doomed that things wont be back to normal anytime soon. I feel quite empty and spaced out. I can't help wondering if things will ever get better. I can't help to think what if we're still like this in 4 years time and things are still the same. What kind of quality of life is that giving me/us. I don't mean to sound selfish but when your poorly it's different because you simple can't do anything, where as me I can. The thing that worries me is that I'm going to be so attached to Richard's care life that I don't have my own life any more. I feel as though if he is still in the same boat in another 4 years, I wont be doing anything with my life. Would I of moved out? I'll be 31, and I'm so worried that I'm constantly missing out of things that i will regret not doing the things I've wanted too. I'm so worried about the future. I don't even have a good circle of close friends any more. In fact sometimes that's easier because they don't understand, and try to tell me it will be okay, but the truth is, No one knows he will be okay. And trying to make it all okay is the most annoying thing any one can do. People just have no idea how it's change my life and everything has changed. The longer it goes on the longer I just feel like we're just friends and I am a carer. There is hardly any bond between us any more. This cancer is draining our relationship so bad now, and again I went to visit Richard yesterday. He was too tired to talk to me but he happily sat up and chatted to nurses asking them questions. Every time I tried to encourage him to talk to me he just pulled faces so in the end I was that fed up and I went home. I'm not going to take my time out to visit him, where I have to drive an hour to get to him, queue in the massive long wait to queue in to the car park for him to annoy me like that. It's just not fair. I try not to let it bother me I really do, but it does. I get compliments off other people at how amazing I am for what I do and despite everything going on I am still smiling and yeah those people are right but with Richard it's just a totally black out world. I have my own problems going on, along side of him and he is never there to support me. I feel so lonely and am desperate to be in a loving relationship where I get all the support I should. He always seems to forget I have all the other drama going on and expects me to fully concentrate on him, but i really can't. He has become one the most selfish people I know. Even when my grandad had his accident I needed him at the other end of the line- what did he do, he went for dinner as his female friends house... It's just he never stops to think, yet always does what he wants yet when things go bad for him I have to ditch what I am doing. Its never fair and always one sided and it is making me really miserable. I want to be able to go out and have fun with out him digging at me or making me feel bad. I don't do anything to upset him or piss him off and yet he's moaned at me for dressing up for my sisters birthday. So typical. It's like because he emails the nurses, it almost makes him paranoid of what I am doing and picks a fight! It's so petty. I am so fed up of his selfishness. He never used to be this bad at all. He used do anything for me but now he's so grumpy and rude all the time I'm just so fed up and so sad all the while he never gives me a reason to be happy any more.
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