Wake up call

This weekend has been a bit of an eye opener for me. Since Friday I have spent the weekend up in Scotland. I didn't go and see Richard before I went away as seeing him poorly before I'm due to go away makes It hard. It's hard going, having a boyfriend constantly in and out of hospital. It means having to put my life on hold all the tome to be there for him and It shouldn't have to be that way. People tell me to do my own thing but the thing is, itS not easy just walking away from a situation like this. But tbis weekend, That's Exactly what I did. I didn't go and see RichArd, for once I put my self first. Did what I needed to do and headed off to my weekend in Scotland. Does this make me selfish. No I don't think so, not considering the amount of events and things I have missed out because I have ran to his side to be there for him. I do it all the time and it just so happens to be he always seems to b poorly when I'm about to go away. Always, happened every single time. Everytime I go away he goes into hospital, I don't know why but it's so annoying. Anyway, I got the news that he was going home Saturday. Was a little surprised after having his liver biopsy and considering his situation and they way he was being treated on the oncology ward I am not at all surprised of what's happened now.
He went home on Saturday, but at 4am Sunday morning, I found a message when I woke up at about 9, to say he couldn't breath and wasn't well. That was all. I assumed that would mean he's off to hospital as always. So he had even been back home for a day and he was rushed back in. Well, that morning was a real eye opener for me. I heard nothing from him or his mum, so yeah that worried me because he always manages to up date me, never the less how poorly he is. I got a message from his mum to say don't worry he's in the best-place... What? I was mortified. Why hadn't I been told what's been going on. This is the problem, we may have been together for a long time and I may have been here from the beginning but because we still live at home we technically still have two separate lives. When things go wrong, it just happens that I'm not there so it's always him and his mum. No probes with that at all. But he expects me to be there all the time but then I don't even get told what's going on. I can never win. It's just the worse feeling in the world. And I have to except that whilst he is battling with cancer I won't come first. And that's how it is. What's the point on me putting my life on hold for him all the time when I'm just shoved out all the time. It's a situation people wont understand unless they are in it. If I was to walk away and do what I want for a change some people would probably say I am being selfish. The thing is, when RichArd is okay, and back to work. He does eveything that he wants, I will never stand in the way and will let him have fun. However, it is never the same in reverse. Every time I have some thing planned he falls poorly. I end up cancelling every thing to be at his side. I miss out on so much. At Christmas for example he got to do his Christmas party, he got to go out and have a good time.and yet I had to cancel mine because he was poorly and wanted to See me, I totally understand but he never does the same back to me. I lost my Grandpa and all he wanted was me to be there and yet he Did nothing to even try and be there For me. He never lets me go out and do things for a change. It's got the the point where people don't ask me to join them or to go out because I always bail for Richard. He never ever appriciate that and expects me to come to him because I am his girlfriend. I never get my own life any more. I don't even live with him an yet I'm treated like we're a married couple and always falling out.

It's hard. He always been a ladies man, yeah he chatty and friendly and I never had a problem with that because t the end of the day, I have my males friends and I like that. But, I will always stick to the golden rules and will never go to the boys over Richard. Richard always come first - except on cases of my girlies friends. I miss my friend. I miss my old life, I miss having fun and going out and just living life. Nothin has that feeling any more. I don't ever feel loved by Richard any more. Things have become so hard with us. I can't wen trust him anymore, he's let me down so many times and upsets so much I'm beginning to wonder of this relationship will last or whether it will work ....