It's a broccoli.

Richard has been in hospital for a long 12 weeks now, what seems like the longest time ever too. My mum brought him a toy broccoli, in hoping it would cheer him up. It;s done just the job and kept us amused for the rest of the day <3  He also had another Blood Transfusion today as well, hoping he will feel a bit more perkier tomorrow morning. 

          

it's my Birthday tomorrow, spending it with out Richard.... Again.

It's my Birthday tomorrow, and yet once again I am spending it a lone with out him :( this is the 3rd birthday of the 4 years we have been together that he has missed. The very first birthday was very hazy, Poor Richard got bad news about his Dad the week before. Where he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, i remember the text he sent me like it was yesterday. Absolutely heartbreaking, wishing it was all wrong and that they had a made a mistake. I didn't spend an awful lot of time with him, which makes me sad. But he taught me to believe in my self and to go out there and do it. Have Faith and Do it. He was very wise and in a way gave me some confident to do stuff i wouldn't have done. I remember going to the game fair one year, where we went to do some shooting. I was like, no i can't do that and would never do so, but he was like no have a go do it, and it was just so good being pushed to do things and come out of this bubble that i've always been trapped behind. I can see that Richard really misses him, and so do I to be honest. He became a bit of a father role i never had and i do miss his funny comments to this very day.

So,  Last year Richard was in hospital having his stem Cell transplant, and this year is is currently fighting the graft versus host diseases, He's been back in hospital for 5 weeks now. This is becoming his longest stay with in the 4 years of battling his lymphoma. I'm so sad I am missing another birthday with out him again, I just hope that he recovers and we've got plenty of years to make up for everything that we keep missing out on.

Things are so hard for him, he's really struggling and tonight he told me, that if it wasn't for me he wouldn't be  would have given up by now, for some one like him who is so up beat and gets on with it, this is such a sad thing to hear. he;s just getting to the stage where he is so fed up, so grumpy, angry and tired that I can't a;ways cheer him up all the time. :( 

Septic shock // poorly richy

Things seem to be a little bit easier today. Went to see Richard yesterday and was quite surprised to him a bit more upbeat than I thought. Saying that he did have a few sleeps whilst I was there, sleeping on my arm making it rather dead.

Richard basically suffered from a septic shock on Sunday morning. He was really poorly and was put in a ward ready to get him going again in case he gave up. Sounded so scary, I don't think I've ever had such a scare like this. It's so hard. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of our life, will heavier get better or is this how our life is going to be now?

Happy Memories // RICHARD

just adding some photos of my wonderful Richard, i just noticed this blog has a lot of writing these days and not so many photos. I think i will have to change that :) 

DONOR LYMPHOCYTE INFUSION // RICHARD

It's been some time since i have written on here again, I don't seem to know where the time goes. Saying that i am just so busy, i very rarely get to sit down and get on here.

Life has been pretty hard, i miss my grandpa like crazy, and I've been running around like a yo yo machine, I now work full time, at last, and run the farm, look after Grandma, still don't go round as much as i used to but i find it so hard with out Grandpa there. I try to spend as much time with Richard too, but as like tonight, i am missing out on snuggle times, as unfortunately was kept in at the hospital and is staying in over the weekend.

He had two lots of radiotherapy this week, yesterday (Thursday) and Today. And then having his DLI tomorrow, which is an infusion of the Cells from him Donor. Really hope this works, if this doesn't there is nothing else they can do for me. It gets scarier every time and every day. I wish it would go away. Richard has been poorly since the very beginning  i just want us to have a normal relationship now, that we have never been able to have. It's so heart breaking, we have this amazing future we want to have toegther, and i now i feel likw it's never going to happen, and that we will never get to do what we want. Life is so unfair, why does it always nig at the Nice people. Please work, pleaseee.


xxx

Christmas Nightmare. // LIFE

Just as you think the world cant get any worse, it only goes and bites me back in the bum... Once again.
It's been a rubbish week and nothing is going right, and there are just simply not enough hours of the day. Richard was submitted back in to Hospital last week, and i'll be totally honest, have no idea what happend, or am i able to recall anything. I am Just so upset over grandpa and the shock of that, plus trying ti jiggle everything else just doesn't work. I am so tired and all i want to do, is switch it all off and sleep for a day or two and charge my batteries back up. 

A New Beginning? ....

First of all, I am really sorry for my lack of writing recently. Life has become so hectic  now that i have two jobs and a farm to run. Richard has been doing okay, having a lot of problems with his tummy, but other wise he is doing really well.

We got the impression we were going to get his results ect before Christmas, but after seeing the top specialist on Wednesday ( November 29th), we brought his appointment early by a week as he wanted to discuss about the results, and about his tummy. It's been giving him such a hard time, he wanted it sorting out. So really, we just went over to see about that really. We came home on the high, they have reduced some more tablets but they have decided to leave the results now until the New Year. They don't want to radioactive him any more, so for now, he's been told he can start going out again and can go to the Christmas party//events we have coming up. This is just perfect, they are really pleased with him and basically said his Transplant is now 100% donor, so there is no more of Richard's stem cells left. They are all now German. He's done lucky, as his hair colour is still the same and bits so am really happy for that. The only odd thing is, is sometimes, i don't feel like its my Richard, sounds so silly i know but sometimes i feel like im holding a strangers hand? i don't know it that is possible or if i'm imaging it. But Either way, I do not like it....

We off to Harlaxton Manor on Thursday for Christmas singing, food and wine. I can not wait, i'm finally really looking forward to spending some time with me man :) and most of all having some fun again.


Amy

xxx

Poorly Richard

The weather is changing, and winter is most defiantly on its way. All the illness are popping out and naughty Richard sat in bed watching tv with his brother. Alan had a sore throat and wasn't very well- Richard caught it and now I've got it. Of course im okay with it but with Richard he can't risk catching so now he's been told to go to hospital today. Means I can't go see him till I am better :( this is rubbish- naughty boy should have told me he had the sniffles then I wouldn't have caught it and I wouldn't have to stay away from him :(!
Hope he feels better soon.

Hickman line // cancer

The Hickman line has been removed. What should have been a simple removal ended up taking a very long time. It tutned out that the surgeon who put the line in had put it in quite deep, and because the skin heals around the tube, they have to cut the skin to take it out. Normally and most people only need one stitch, but unlucky for richard he ended up with 3, and has been in a fair bit of pain for the past few days.

On a positive note, it's great to have it out, no more things poking me or getting in the way. Here are a few fun photos i thought id share.

         

Results day tomorrow // Richard

It's Richards Results tomorrow and i should be spending the night with him, instead im stuck at home miserable as anything trying to come to terms with yesterdays, as i would call it a horror movie scene.

As always i popped down the farm to feed the animals, it was only about 9am if not a bit later than that, that i discovered poor rupert dead, i opened the pen to go in and look at him. My first intention was, that she had died in her sleep or vice versa and the rats//crows had started to eat at her... realizing how quiet it was and then realized i couldn't see any ducks in sight. normally my 3 months old camp-bells would have come over quacking away, very talkative, no where to be see. Find another dead duck at the far end pretty much eaten, i look to the right and see poor freddie stuck in between the chicken wire fencing with no head, walking around i then found the two campbell drakes behind the hutch. I was deverated, it was like i was in horrow movie. I bursted in to tears dropped the freshly cooked vegetable (as the ducks love them) and food and ran out. I phoned my dad in tears, Im still so upset about it tonight. Its so heart breaking because, what ever it was wiped all 7 ducks, freddie and the other one were old, but were okay and poor rupert loved to sit in the washing up bowl instead of the big bowl? They were my world, What took me by shock was that the two chickens were fine, not a stratch on them, event he teo geese were okay. One looked like she had put up a fight as she has a limp and funny eye but other than that i couldn't believe it.

the only thing we can conclude was that it could of been a mink- which is really scary. 

Day 100 // transplant

2 weeks today.

So, just when you think everything is going well, it actually goes bang and goes the other way. On Friday night I had this horrible dream that Richard was really poorly- i was convinced it was true, that when I woke up I was really confused.

Anyway, Saturday night I went to stay with Richard. He was apparently up most of the night on the toilet with a funny tummy, now my dream was coming true. I tried to get him to phone the hospital but he was convinced that he was okay- when he has his mind set on some thing, that's it. You can't do anything to change it, he's so stubborn, sometimes I want to give him a big kick up the back side.
So we managed some sausages for breakfast- which I have to say where amazing :) and he appeared to be okay for most of the day.

I left him at 3 with chilbo, and headed to work- he was okay for most of that too. Started to feel a little roughy later on but he felt okay so went to bed. That was left at that... Well, I didn't expect to be waking up to a night full of messages.
Poor boy, been on the loo all night and was feeling really poory. Rang the hospital, and waited for them to ring back. Sad news, they told him to go i, so he goes and wakes Alan up and they head over. He gets seen, had some blood tests ect, cant find anything wrong so sent him home. That was okay as he was due to g bak in for his check up appointment. I knew he's be kept in, and I was right. Check up appointment when he fianly made it, they kept him in and he's luckily been placed on the bone marrow unit. Looks like he will be there for at least 5 days and the most annoying bit is, that I won't be able to see him until he is home. I hate being skint and having no money. it's rubbish.
Oh well- not heard any news on Richard. Just he was on some drip ad waiting for results which I guess the doctors will do in the morning.

I shall update when I know :) I'm off to bed. I've got a very busy long week.

Night

Photo dairy.

Just some memories....

Happy.

Richard kindly popped a cheeky proposal on facebook last night!!!! ( 6/6/2012)


Clearly he was all drugged up and said when he woke up this morning he wasn't sure if he's done the right thing (LOL) good job i know him too well isnt it. but hes so over the moon, and so many people are happy for him it looks like were going to be having to do this and make it official....

Day 3.

Been to visit the wonderful richard today. He's doing okay, was very tired and got a little big groogy towards the end of the evening but is generally doing really well considering he only had his transplant yesterday.

His count levels have halved since yesterday which explains why he was really tired even after a good night sleep, which means, the chemo has worked really well along side it all. He was still smiling away as he always does but was developing a bit of cough. Hoping that it's just a little thing and nothing to serious.

Im off to Newcastle tomorrow to have some girlie time with my sister and my friend carly. I need some time out to chill. I've not been out and had a normal night out in such a long time, in fact i can't even remember what a normal life of going out every odd weekend and doing normal stuff is now. My life literally evolves around Richard and his cancer, hospital and treatment. That's how its been for the past 3 years, i almost wonder if i'll cope okay when i get a normal life back again after all of this? you'd like to think so right.

night x

Richard.

A New Year.

2012

wow, another new year and another new beginning. I can't believe how quickly time keeps flying by. I've not been on here much recently either, as Christmas was really busy and well, Richard has been doing so so well. Its nearly time for his next treatment, in fact he will be having that on Monday. I can't believe how well it has been working. its like having the old Richard back again. I'm so so happy, but i know soon he will be having the transplant and i know soon he will be poorly and this will all go upside down but i know it will go by really quickly. 

2011

 2011 is finally coming to an end today. 2012 is going to be another tough year but i hope 2013 will be the year for Richard and I. 2009 was rubbish, so was 2010, this year wasnt the best and well 2010 wont be all that great either. We've just got to get through this year and hopefully Richard will finally be on the mend at the end of it.

Richard is hoping to have his transplanr in march, which gives us a little more time to enjoy some company and maybe he can go back to work for a little bit. who knows. 

Wonderful Christmas.

wow, what a wonderful christmas we all had. Even Richard and his family. They did so well considering its not been long since they lost there dad, and it was the first christmas with out him.

Richard is also doing so well, he had his second lot of treatment last week and even though he seems to be suffering from  a great bit of cramps, he is walking around and doing so much. It's great!! He even managed to walk around the entire zoo yesterday. it was amazing. :)

                                                                ♥

christmas fun