It's a broccoli.

Richard has been in hospital for a long 12 weeks now, what seems like the longest time ever too. My mum brought him a toy broccoli, in hoping it would cheer him up. It;s done just the job and kept us amused for the rest of the day <3  He also had another Blood Transfusion today as well, hoping he will feel a bit more perkier tomorrow morning. 

          

it's my Birthday tomorrow, spending it with out Richard.... Again.

It's my Birthday tomorrow, and yet once again I am spending it a lone with out him :( this is the 3rd birthday of the 4 years we have been together that he has missed. The very first birthday was very hazy, Poor Richard got bad news about his Dad the week before. Where he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, i remember the text he sent me like it was yesterday. Absolutely heartbreaking, wishing it was all wrong and that they had a made a mistake. I didn't spend an awful lot of time with him, which makes me sad. But he taught me to believe in my self and to go out there and do it. Have Faith and Do it. He was very wise and in a way gave me some confident to do stuff i wouldn't have done. I remember going to the game fair one year, where we went to do some shooting. I was like, no i can't do that and would never do so, but he was like no have a go do it, and it was just so good being pushed to do things and come out of this bubble that i've always been trapped behind. I can see that Richard really misses him, and so do I to be honest. He became a bit of a father role i never had and i do miss his funny comments to this very day.

So,  Last year Richard was in hospital having his stem Cell transplant, and this year is is currently fighting the graft versus host diseases, He's been back in hospital for 5 weeks now. This is becoming his longest stay with in the 4 years of battling his lymphoma. I'm so sad I am missing another birthday with out him again, I just hope that he recovers and we've got plenty of years to make up for everything that we keep missing out on.

Things are so hard for him, he's really struggling and tonight he told me, that if it wasn't for me he wouldn't be  would have given up by now, for some one like him who is so up beat and gets on with it, this is such a sad thing to hear. he;s just getting to the stage where he is so fed up, so grumpy, angry and tired that I can't a;ways cheer him up all the time. :( 

Tiredness and strain. Cancer sucks.

I'm still really doomed that things wont  be back to normal anytime soon. I feel quite empty and spaced out. I can't help wondering if things will ever get better. I can't help to think what if we're still like this in 4 years time and things are still the same. What kind of quality of life is that giving me/us. I don't mean to sound selfish but when your poorly it's different because you simple can't do anything, where as me I can. The thing that worries me is that I'm going to be so attached to Richard's care life that I don't have my own life any more. I feel as though if he is still in the same boat in another 4 years, I wont be doing anything with my life. Would I of moved out? I'll be 31, and I'm so worried that I'm constantly missing out of things that i will regret not doing the things I've wanted too. I'm so worried about the future. I don't even have a good circle of close friends any more. In fact sometimes that's easier because they don't understand, and try to tell me it will be okay, but the truth is, No one knows he will be okay. And trying to make it all okay is the most annoying thing any one can do. People just have no idea how it's change my life and everything has changed. The longer it goes on the longer I just feel like we're just friends and I am a carer. There is hardly any bond between us any more. This cancer is draining our relationship so bad now, and again I went to visit Richard yesterday. He was too tired to talk to me but he happily sat up and chatted to nurses asking them questions. Every time I tried to encourage him to talk to me he just pulled faces so in the end I was that fed up and I went home. I'm not going to take my time out to visit him, where I have to drive an hour to get to him, queue in the massive long wait to queue in to the car park for him to annoy me like that. It's just not fair. I try not to let it bother me I really do, but it does. I get compliments off other people at how amazing I am for what I do and despite everything going on I am still smiling and yeah those people are right but with Richard it's just a totally black out world. I have my own problems going on, along side of him and he is never there to support me. I feel so lonely and am desperate to be in a loving relationship where I get all the support I should. He always seems to forget I have all the other drama going on and expects me to fully concentrate on him, but i really can't. He has become one the most selfish people I know. Even when my grandad had his accident I needed him at the other end of the line- what did he do, he went for dinner as his female friends house... It's just he never stops to think, yet always does what he wants yet when things go bad for him I have to ditch what I am doing. Its never fair and always one sided and it is making  me really miserable. I want to  be able to go out and have fun with out him digging at me or making me feel bad. I don't do anything to upset him or piss him off and yet he's moaned at me for dressing up for my sisters birthday. So typical. It's like because he emails  the nurses,  it almost makes him paranoid of what  I am  doing and picks a fight! It's so petty. I am so fed up of his selfishness. He never used to be this bad at all. He used do anything for me but now he's so grumpy and rude all the time I'm just so fed up and so sad all the while he never gives me a reason to be happy any more.

Happy Memories // RICHARD

just adding some photos of my wonderful Richard, i just noticed this blog has a lot of writing these days and not so many photos. I think i will have to change that :) 

Christmas Nightmare. // LIFE

Just as you think the world cant get any worse, it only goes and bites me back in the bum... Once again.
It's been a rubbish week and nothing is going right, and there are just simply not enough hours of the day. Richard was submitted back in to Hospital last week, and i'll be totally honest, have no idea what happend, or am i able to recall anything. I am Just so upset over grandpa and the shock of that, plus trying ti jiggle everything else just doesn't work. I am so tired and all i want to do, is switch it all off and sleep for a day or two and charge my batteries back up. 

Good night grandpa.

My world has fallen apart, the night mare hasn't even begun and already I just want to run a way and pretend that this isn't happening, or just travel back in time so we can have some happy times again.
My poor grandpa was rushed to the hospital yesterday, he's been poorly and not been quite right for a few months but he always kept on going and kept smiling and always battled on. The past two weeks he's suddenly been getting things sorted and helping out where he could, I never thought twice about it but my dad knew.  I saw him last Friday and we went to the bank to get some of his belongings, and some money as we normally do. I recently found out that he wasn't very well on at the weekend, Which i don't understand why nothing was done about it sooner. Apparently it wouldn't have made any different as his kidneys were failing anyway.

I spent some time with him and grandma on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night after work. I try to go up and see them anytime, and try to keep them happy and make sure they are okay. The last time I saw grandpa talking and happy was on Wednesday. He looked really fragile and Grandma had to help him through to the lounge to sit down, I've never seen him like that before. It was heart breaking, normally Grandma is the one that needed help. However, we were all Chatting away, laughing, smiling, joking about short bread and why don't we have long bread, he sounded much better and told me he hoped there was cure. He's been having bladder//kidney problems for a while. Just over a year he was rushed to hospital and was diagnosed with one faulty kidney. This meant he was then strapped up with a bag, and after that, he did't go out much, not as much as he used too. He stopped going to the farm, and only did it on a Sunday  Slowly over time he stopped that, but i could still get him to the bank, the hospital on a Monday for his bag, and other things. He kept going, despite that he could barely see, he kept on going but then 8/9 weeks a go, he suddenly got the shakes and couldn't do much any more. He slowly went down hill but it's easier to see it now, now looking back it so much easier to see it than it was at the time. I am so glad the past year has turned out the way it has, I've spent so much time and done so much to help, i even got my own set of keys for the farm. so much has happened but I  Never ever expected that would be the last night i'd  see him alive and happy.
Yesterday he was rushed to hospital and I just thought he would be okay. I just thought he needed some fluid and some rest and that he would recover. Dad wasn't convinced and knew he wouldn't be coming home. He knew he was giving up and in the end, and he did. I don't know if that was by choice or what, part of me feels he didn't want to go, but he didn't want to suffer any more or he didn't want us to see him struggling. He had always been the man of the house, and for him to be like that was embarrassing for him.  I don't feel he was ready to go,  he just wasn't. I know he was unhappy and fed up, but he loved seeing the family and he loved my visits. I had such a giggle with him on Wednesday, joking, smiling, and i even stayed longer to help him make there dinner, made the tea and got it all ready for him. The last words i got from him were,

Thank you Amy, for everything that you do for us, we miss your visits and to go see them when ever i want,  we  like to see you  and you  always cheer us up. we are really great full for everything that you do and all your help..... thank you for the shortbread,
that's okay grandpa, i am always happy to help out and hope you feel better in the morning, hope the short breads cheer you up a bit too....

Those words will stick with me for a very long time. I just can't believe how he went down hill so quickly and so suddenly, I don't think any amount of human love was enough to save him. Even dear grandma who needs him to keep her sane.

I'll miss you dear grandpa, so much. The world will never be the same again and i can't believe i will never see or talk to you again. MY world has ended and my heart and a broken hole in it. I will always love you grandpa.

it's so hard.

I went out on Saturday night for my sisters birthday and i forgot just how much i miss having a normal life, having a social life, going out, being normal again for one night, and most of all forgetting that everything is happening... But at the same time made me realize at why some relationships just don't last though these phases and hard times. It's an awful thing to say, but again, it's something people can not judge or comment on unless they have been through it them selves. You can never say, well if i was in that situation... bla bla, no you really can't because unless you are actually going though it, there is not a slight chance  in the world where any one can even try to understand, the strain, pressure and pain. nothing.

Part of me just feels so insane, i want to be with Richard i do, but i feel so helpless and so miserable. Were never happy anymore, we always bicker and always fall out. It's just getting to the stage were we fall out of such silly things. For example, om Saturday night i wore some leather look leggings as i was dressed up as Sandy from Greece. Richard has this thing and wanted to see me in them first before i went out, its just a pair of leggings but he still had a big moody about it and then was funny with me all night and all Sunday. All the constant silly things is just fading things away, there's no spark or anything  to be excited about any more.  

It's a sad and lonely world // MY LIFE

Up until now my grandparents have all been doing really well- unlike most of my friends I am extremely lucky to still have both of my grandparents at the age of 27.

My gran and grandad have always been the actives ones in there later days, always off traveling in there caravan and playing golf. Unfortunately this dream was shattered after grandad had a severe car crash, killing an old lady and her mother, leaving grandad with a broken back, broken ribs, punctured lungs and a broke wrist. They didn't think he'd make it, after spending 8 weeks in intensive care he made a full recovery within 3 months of his accident and was back home. He couldn't play golf any more and it was a very frustrating time for him do my gran and grandad decided on a new hobby -art was what they went for, they both loved it but grandad still missed his golf. Since then he's been up and down but was doing okay until recently he broke his neck, he can't turn his head due to a metal rod which makes life hard for him. He's had a tough time in addenbrookes, back am forth, halo put on but luckily after all that his neck finally started to heal.

Grandma and grandpa are the farmers, they spent several years in Kenya before returning to england to take over the family farm, which has been int he family for 5 generations- I am the firth family. I love it, it's becoming my life. Up until about a year ago now, grandma and grandpa were still feeding the animals and going down the farm. Dad was helping out here an there and then mum and dad went on holiday for a week- that was were it all begun. I learnt how to be a farmer for the week, clean and feed the animals. Once that week was over I'd only go down here and there, I'd meet grandpa and grandma just do they felt happy knowin I knew what I was doing and so on, what I didn't realise was, was this was going to pretty much change my up coming future. Since then I have pretty much taken up the farm- its still belongs to grandma an grandpa but I now go down twice a day, I now have my own chickens, ducks and have taken on looking after ruby. She is a gorgeous big and Very old. She's a beautiful long horn highland, with huge horns, she's ever so friendly and need s a lot of looking after and I love otX I've most certainly built a bond with her.
Life is just so hard, grandma and grandpa have been so active and now it seems as though grandpa is giving up. He was so up for going to the farm when he wanted too, was up to growing vegetables, off to the bank, and many more, now he can't even do any of that. Grandma has alizmera, she's eating worse by the day. Grandpa can't cope and grandma won't have any strangers in the house to help them.

Race for Life.

My wonderful sister and her friend Angelia, decided to do the race for life, and do it 3 legged. I  couldn't be more proud of them. They managed the whole 3k tied up and didn't fall over .... until the very end :)

Good night ginger nut.

Feeling a little sad today, more like an emtional monkey. Just when I
Really can't think anything could get any worse, my poor ginger nut died
Today.
She was a floppy eared rabbit, big and cuddly, saying that since she got a little bit older she wasn't so
Keen on being picked up. She liked being in her own space and making lots of thumping nosies. She had a temper like a stroppy teenager, very fussy with what she ate, a bit like me
Really.
She was brought for me my my little sister as baby, I recently had a girl called blossom,
Who died suddenly of a fright. She wasn't a replacement but she helped me heal broken heart after the awful guilt feeling of blaming myself over blossom. She cheered me up no
Ends and watching her grow was
Fun- shed always be eating my wires and cables- am surprised she never got an electric shock. She ate the buttons out of my controller and would wee on my bed in the same spot. She was a little monkey.

Today I found her dead- she was fine one minute and dead the next- I can't work out what happened to her. I couldn't spend much time looking at her either because, it was so warm the flies were hovering over her and were laying eggs on her. It was so horrible,
Couldn't give her a big cuddle as she was all stretched out and hard. She's one big rabbit tok which doesn't help-
Got her buried and now she's at rest. Hope she finds woody and all the other animals from my garden.
My garden is now officially an animal
Cemetery, not only fish, guinea pigs, rabbits but lambs and woody too,
Not to mention any other pets from
Previous house owners. I burried her next to Apollo- he was a big fluffy white rabbit which lived for years and years- he grew up with us kids. Free ranged and loved being under the hair dryer :) normally this would
Scare most rabbits, but he was one of
A kind. I'll never forget him.
We also have tango under the tree next to them, belonged to Laura. With woody i have, fudge hogan- he was a funny little guinea pig, smudge, my black rabbit, he died at about 5 years old, splash who belonged to mum and died suddenly one day too and then blossom. The other side of woody is gorge, he was a Blackmore fish who turned orange, he was really Kool. Next to him is caramel and then cadbury, both hamsters.
These have all been the main animal in my life over the past 10 years of
Not that.
I've become such a animal lover, I always was, but since being older and being the only kid at home, having animals gave me some company. It was good fun, they all seemed to bond together in there times together.
Fudge, smudge, splash and tango for example were all here in woodsy era,
Once he went, the others went one by one. Now I hope they are running round the garden having so much fun:)

Last night. Home tomorrow.

I can't believe this holiday is coming to an end. I am actually really Sad about it. The home is so cosy, the week has been so relaxing and nice, maybe the weather hasn't been perfect, but it's been a good week.

Holiday time.

So, I am currently spending a week on holiday up north, in the wonderful Yorkshire, staying in Whitby harbour. beautiful place, friendly people and great atmosphere.

Whether its raining or not, you can still guarantee to have a good time. You can walk around the same place over and over, everyday and still not get bored of it.
Weve been coming up here for a few years now, saying that we've my actually been up as family for about 6 /7 years. And I remember the last trip like yesterday, the last night we went down the beach, we had a good paddle in the sea and I decided of go a little bit further out. Great :) the good old life boat came and picked me up. What a laugh, sometimes you've just got to let your self go and have some fun. Which was exactly what I did, the boyfriend I had at the time wasn't impressed with me, stating I left him on his own with my family, which personally I can't see is a bad thing? I just guss back then he didn't like being stuck with them? Anyway- the old life boat was actually holding a private party which made it even more funnier, or so we all thought. Not sure if the customers found it funny but hey Jo- it's not often you can say you get picked up at sea by the old life boat.
Since coming back up with mum, having a trip on the old life boat, Barry who owns it had remember it all and told the fellow people on the boat ride what happened, we were all laughing.
Made me realise how much I miss being younger- not that I'm old but being 27 isn't exactly young is it.

But anway- what we hadn't realised what that it had actually  caused some drama- people who were looking in view thought I had fallen out and was being rescued- other people thoughts I'd gone too far in to sea and couldn't swim back. you name it. Poor Barry had people on the phone, the media after him, made him look like a hero actually. It's got to make you giggle :) always me
Causing trouble. It's been great to come back here. You can almost forget about everything, forget about the miserable world that we live in back home, forget about how we mate dad and all the shit going on, getting away from the farm and just having some freedom. don't get me wrong, I love the farm but we all need a break at some point Dont we.

day 41. Olympic Torch Day. It's a family drama.

it's been another one of those stressing days. I swear what ever i did in my past life is truly smacking me in the face now. Everything i do or touch turns to bad luck, like everything.

Yesterday morning i went to the farm, only been down Sunday night, went back to double check on the baby chicks as they were being a little naughty earlier and were sleeping out side, didn't want to try and drive them in so thought i'd just leave them and pop down later. so i did, all what appeared to be in there, snuggled up in the mum. I don't 100% know if they were there, but normally they are so i wouldn't ave thought twice about it. Anyway, Monday morning i slept in, so i didn't get to the farm before having to take grandpa to the hospital, so by the time i finally got down it was about lunch time, nearly 12pm. Went to feed the baby chickens to discover they were un uaslly all in side the house bit, then to discover there was only 4 baby chicks, half expecting the other 2 to be out side the pen, but they were no where to be seen. Okay, so i thought, better not panic too much they've just gone for a wonder, ill come back later and they will be back... Nope no sign of them, this is very un usal for baby chickens, they don't go very far from the mother and if they do they come back quickly. Okay so not much i can do, how ever guilt piled over me when i realized today i could have prevented this by putting the chicken wire back down. earlier on in the month, i went down to find that all of my baby chicks were out, so because i've never been in this situation, i panicked and tried to get them all back in, thought it was the best thing to do but i ended up driving a little black one way- stressing as i do and went to work in a sulk. A couple of hours later he had returned, so initially i thought these two would do the same. Really hoping that last night they'd be Hungary and cold that they would male there way back, sadly this morning there was no sign and the baby's mother was so distressed- she was chasing the babies away, so very bizarre, grandpa who had breed chickens for years has never come across this behavior and has no idea whats going on. I only find out that dad saw a kestrel hanging about in the vegetable garden which is behind the buildings to where my baby chicks are so not sure it would come in land that much but who knows hey. Grandpa thinks they've been taking by a prey of some sort, could even be a crow. its so distressing, it came to my mind to put the wire down and yet it just totally slipped my mind and after my sleep, its all my fault they are gone. Some people wouldn't really understand my stress in this, and i don't expect them too. I have a farm, well it belongs to my grandparents, have always dreamed on taking it on and re -opening it, so when  i had my first every baby animals, i was over the moon. This was a beginning to my breeding life, so excited.oh well, i did what i could and thought i was doing my best at letting them have a sit in the grass. unfortunately its nature, and life will always be smacking me in the face with some punishment. Its been a funny day, the adult chickens who are always out side in the run have been acting very strange all day, i can't work out why or what has brought this on. They were chasing the babies all day- it was actually quite stressful, i just hope the poor little buggers have been allowed back in and are all snuggled up inside rather than sit out side in this cold and rain - who's had thought it was July!

#

the 2 chicks on the right, a grey one and yellow head with black, sitting next to the little black one have gone :(

So with all that drama, my poor granddad fell over at the weekend and managed to fracture his bone in his neck some where. normally they would put a collar around your neck and leave you to mend, but because he had a severe car accident, he's got a metal rod in his spine, so this meant he was sent back to Addenbrooks in Cambridgeshire and is now wearing a metal head frame to get him back in shape, says he's a lot more comfy so fingers crossed its not on for too long.

Since all this bad luck is happening, i can happily say that Richard is doing okay at the moment. he went for a check up yeasterday and is doing well, they even brought his steriods down to 20mg instead if 30. hopefully he wont keep eating as much now, as he's become a big piggy.


We had the Olympic torch come by today, was interesting but was over in no time.....

i hate Saturdays!

Saturdays are most defiantly becoming my bad day. I dread it every week, i go to work, feel depressed, miserable and generally fed up. Its always the worse day of the week and its always the day that things are guaranteed to go wrong or will happen.

Yesterday i woke up, did the usual routine go toilet and get dressed ect, feed the fish and check on cadbury, only to fine him laying on the floor dead.... his mouth wide open. I can't quite figure out how he died, he was over 2, which i believe is old for a hamster. He had a bit of saw dust stuck to his tongue, didn't look long enough to choke on but as i noticed it i had to get it out, even though he was dead. I couldn't leave it there, and with those long teeth, it was actually harder to get out, it was stuck to his tongue. I couldn't believe it, this time last week he was running up down in his ball, kept getting stuck in a hole, so i would constantly be getting him out for him to only run back in to it, but he was still lively as ever. I saw him on Friday, he seemed okay, i noticed when i called his name several time he took a while to come out of his little nest fest, but he did. I fed him with his fave vegetables and he ate all them, seemed okay. I gathered he must of; either had a stroke or died peacefully, but i cant see he died too peacefully or that would have heppened in his sleep and he wasnt in his bed. he was laying on the floor, not far from his food bowl but under the ladder... its very strange, i'm guessing he had a stroke and when he took his last big breath when he died the saw dust flew in his mouth? sounds logical right? oh i don't know, people will think i am mad fussing over a hamster. But he wasn't just a hamster, he was rather intelligent for any normal hamster, never bit me once, and always came out when i called his name, none of my other hamsters have ever done this. he was just one of a kind i suppose, and i am really going to miss him.

A trip down memory lane. Skegness.

Spent the day at the sea side today. Went to Skegness, where Richard and I last went in 2009/10 before his treatment.

i believe...

‎"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

♥ 

Memories

Just looking back at Happy Photo's of Richard from last year before he had his first transplant. He was also so happy and no matter what never gave up and carried on as if nothing was happening. He was always had  positiveness, so bubbly and so happy. Now, he just seems to fed up and so miserable. Its so sad, and no matter how hard I try, I just can not snap him out of this bubble of misery. 

Random. // Richard // LOVE

Amy 

loves 

Richard.

that's all. 

sometimes it's good to shout these things to the world.

:)

xxxxx

Its saturday.

This is the first saturday that i have had off in what seems like forever. Tonight is Laura's birthday night out in Northampton and i am so excited because for the first time Richard is coming over to join in. I really hope he will be okay for it though as the poor boy is suffering so much with his cough, which we don't seem to know what's causing it all. He also ended taking too many tablets so he's also had a poorly belly. He must be so fed up with one thing happening after another. No wonder he is so miserable and fed up. I certainly would be if I was him.

Lets hope i can make him  have a really good fun night and cheer him up. I am so excited :) I love my Richard so much.

My sisters birthday.

Yesterday was my little sister's 25th  birthday, saying little she is only just over a year younger than me so not so little any more. However she will always be my little sister at heart. Her Boyfriend was recently posted off to Libya with the army a few days before her birthday, as you can imagine the poor girl was ever so upset and it was my job to try and make her birthday as good as possible.
I came over on Wednesday night after she had finished work and spent the evening with her, I even managed to put decorations up and she hadn't even noticed it was doing it, yet we were sitting in the same room. She sure makes me giggle. We decided to go to London for the day and had a good time, went round Chelsea and went to an interesting gallery, very un usual but different I must say. Spent the day shopping, popped in to Tiffany's and went to a pub for some food. Was a lovely day and then we went for a meal at Bella Italia which finished the day perfectly.  Were off Bingo tonight and our friend Emma is coming up to surprise her, that's if she gets a sat nav to work in time :/. Tomorrow we are going out in town and going to the casino, it should be a really good night. Hopefully Richard will make too so I am extra excited about as well.

Happy 25th Birthday Sissy !!!!