A ride in the ambulance.

Lovely love.

There used to be a day, when I knew the whole world about Richard. There was a day when he always wanted me there and no body else, there was a day where he told me everything and anything. Those days seem to be long lost. The longer he's poorly, the worse temper he gets, and the further we grow apart. I thought the engagement would bring this all back an make us happy. But it it's made me feel far from that. I don't even know who he is anymore. I know it's hard for him, but it's so hard trying to be there for him, keep him going when I'm always being shut out and pushed a side. I Mis the boy I fell in love with... 

Question is- will that boy ever come back.... 

It's a broccoli.

Richard has been in hospital for a long 12 weeks now, what seems like the longest time ever too. My mum brought him a toy broccoli, in hoping it would cheer him up. It;s done just the job and kept us amused for the rest of the day <3  He also had another Blood Transfusion today as well, hoping he will feel a bit more perkier tomorrow morning. 

          

Intensive care // septic shock

This week has probably been the most hardest week of my life. It's effected me so badly, and yet for the first time I feel as though I actually can not cope with this much longer.
I never thought that he would ever end up in this situation. It was scary, not as scary as web he thought he was duin a few weeks ago and then proposed to me ( I'll add update on that soon) but two very different scary moments I can't compare and found them both horrible. He's been in hospital for 10 weeks next week, which has been the longest trip he's ever had in the past 4 years. It egging harder and harder as time time goes on and the longer he is on there. I don't remember any time we've had together. I don't feel close to him or feel we're in a relationship. I feel a though we have become very close lovely friends rather than that relationship. Just because he's in hospital and been cares for by the nurses more than I see him- it's making things hard. It shouldn't st all but with him being in intensive care and having to have personal care has really bothered me too. I feel as thought the whole world has seen him naked and nothing underneath him is all mine anymore. It sounds so utterly stupid. I shouldn't at all feel this way but i suppose it just because we've had no time together for so long I feel pushed away and that I'm not his love anymore? I don't understand how I've become to feel this way. At the end of the day the nurses are doing there job and looking after him so why should it bother me? I just don't know whyz

Terrified.

My Richard is really poorly with his lung. I am terrified. He says something isn't right inside him. He's so worried and so scared. Its not good. He's must be bad. No matter what he will always keep positive but he's failing todo that at moment. Please make him better please.

it's my Birthday tomorrow, spending it with out Richard.... Again.

It's my Birthday tomorrow, and yet once again I am spending it a lone with out him :( this is the 3rd birthday of the 4 years we have been together that he has missed. The very first birthday was very hazy, Poor Richard got bad news about his Dad the week before. Where he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, i remember the text he sent me like it was yesterday. Absolutely heartbreaking, wishing it was all wrong and that they had a made a mistake. I didn't spend an awful lot of time with him, which makes me sad. But he taught me to believe in my self and to go out there and do it. Have Faith and Do it. He was very wise and in a way gave me some confident to do stuff i wouldn't have done. I remember going to the game fair one year, where we went to do some shooting. I was like, no i can't do that and would never do so, but he was like no have a go do it, and it was just so good being pushed to do things and come out of this bubble that i've always been trapped behind. I can see that Richard really misses him, and so do I to be honest. He became a bit of a father role i never had and i do miss his funny comments to this very day.

So,  Last year Richard was in hospital having his stem Cell transplant, and this year is is currently fighting the graft versus host diseases, He's been back in hospital for 5 weeks now. This is becoming his longest stay with in the 4 years of battling his lymphoma. I'm so sad I am missing another birthday with out him again, I just hope that he recovers and we've got plenty of years to make up for everything that we keep missing out on.

Things are so hard for him, he's really struggling and tonight he told me, that if it wasn't for me he wouldn't be  would have given up by now, for some one like him who is so up beat and gets on with it, this is such a sad thing to hear. he;s just getting to the stage where he is so fed up, so grumpy, angry and tired that I can't a;ways cheer him up all the time. :(